Resistant

Why would I have ever thought it was when it wasn't? now i feel so much resentment; it was never a good situation. just always so complicating, felt like I couldn't breathe, suffocating. Now I'm living my life just hesitating, waiting to wake up from reality, and lose this miserable feeling I have inside me. my head is clouded with negativity trying to lose this feeling within me. Looking for temporary satisfaction. can't fall into a hopeless devotion that was my addiction, my affliction, taking my soul, taking what was making me whole taking my control. it's just a bad recollection of what I thought was affection. let down my shield of protection to one I thought was worthy of me and my attention. but I just settled expecting him to fulfill the position. Felt like I was in a competition, a race on a chase for your love. which was never really love just an illusion, had to come to this conclusion, now I'm just left feeling resistant to love.