Real me Part one

Four walls are enticing Can't get out of my own head Who is that figure in the mirror? The face that haunts me Nimble and limp - I feel misplaced Envious and boiled and ready to put on simmer Want to circle up in a ball and just tear my hair out Can't get over these thoughts - driving me wild The way I look at them as they walk on by Don't know how lucky you've got it I'm fighting myself Can't show this you see?! Not allowed to Just hold back these waters and shore up your defences I am too dependent on people and don't want to tear connections apart I feel so alone and so stranded and feel like I am the only person who feels like this Need my own space I need to just procrastinate constantly to escape it Can't you see me and the person who lies beyond it Can't you see my tears run constantly down my face And the way I zip from joke to joke trying to make you laugh In order to feel human, feel valid, to feel accepted by you It is all a performance you see It isn't the person I want to be I have to live within these means People don't want to see it See the real me Even I hate it Self loathing and low self esteem Have formed from this I hate my body and I hate my sex I hate these expectations and the way people see me I am not a man you see I am more than that I am beyond that I am trans you see But you can't see Some do and some don't Some will vilify and make you not feel wanted and make you just want to give it all in Even I wanted to give it all in Give up Cut myself Hurt myself badly Until I bled out Because this body isn't mine I hate it Just want to be like them Like that woman I see on TV or who passes me by Can't I be a woman or am I woman I am allowed to be My dad wants me to be the man of the house I lived through his views and expectations and through my school's expectations - just "man up" and "not show my emotions" But I am emotional you see I am emotional But I hated myself for it People have used me Abused me Taken advantage of me Ignored me Mocked me Kicked me Beaten me Blamed me Turn their back on me Don't get it wrong I am no innocent flower I have hurt others and I have been a dick at the best of times to even the best of people But I just want to be me you see But some people can't see This government can't see The media can't see My family sometimes even now can't see And therefore I can't see As I am dependent you see