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Four walls are enticing 
Can't get out of my own head 
Who is that figure in the mirror? 
The face that haunts me 
Nimble and limp - I feel misplaced 
Envious and boiled and ready to put on simmer 
Want to circle up in a ball and just tear my hair out 
Can't get over these thoughts - driving me wild 
The way I look at them as they walk on by 
Don't know how lucky you've got it 
I'm fighting myself 
Can't show this you see?! 
Not allowed to 
Just hold back these waters and shore up your defences 
I am too dependent on people and don't want to tear connections apart 
I feel so alone and so stranded and feel like I am the only person who feels like this 
Need my own space 
I need to just procrastinate constantly to escape it 
Can't you see me and the person who lies beyond it 
Can't you see my tears run constantly down my face 
And the way I zip from joke to joke trying to make you laugh 
In order to feel human, feel valid, to feel accepted by you 
It is all a performance you see 
It isn't the person I want to be 
I have to live within these means 
People don't want to see it 
See the real me 
Even I hate it 
Self loathing and low self esteem 
Have formed from this 
I hate my body and I hate my sex 
I hate these expectations and the way people see me 
I am not a man you see 
I am more than that 
I am beyond that 
I am trans you see 
But you can't see 
Some do and some don't 
Some will vilify and make you not feel wanted and make you just want to give it all in  
Even I wanted to give it all in 
Give up 
Cut myself 
Hurt myself badly 
Until I bled out 
Because this body isn't mine 
I hate it 
Just want to be like them 
Like that woman I see on TV or who passes me by 
Can't I be a woman or am I woman 
I am allowed to be 
My dad wants me to be the man of the house 
I lived through his views and expectations and through my school's expectations - just "man up" and "not show my emotions" 
But I am emotional you see 
I am emotional 
But I hated myself for it 
People have used me 
Abused me 
Taken advantage of me 
Ignored me 
Mocked me 
Kicked me 
Beaten me 
Blamed me 
Turn their back on me 
Don't get it wrong 
I am no innocent flower 
I have hurt others and I have been a dick at the best of times to even the best of people 
But I just want to be me you see 
But some people can't see 
This government can't see 
The media can't see 
My family sometimes even now can't see 
And therefore I can't see 
As I am dependent you see
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