Please remind me that it will always somehow, linger

Why have I thrown myself backwards while I was trying to feel the cold through the glass he built up. See, I just wanna know, I just wanna be sure, I just want to be, someone who can live without. Am I not allowed to feel the glass parts cutting rather my hair off then my face and leaving remarks? Not just that, it ruined my Shirt. The Shirt of my dad. Will it always go after me? I feel a heartburn just by looking, what am I going to do? ,,I think its enough" I am stucked in one place, in one room. It is not hard to oversee them leaving the seatment that have been Set. For someone looking better. For someone who is better. But I have something good too. I mean he is even ready to risk just because he wants to leave. Why am I standing here playing with my pen, my head on my hand placed and drawing flowers in my notebook? That day I didn't wore a hairtie and I always do. I didn't because there were they behind me. I am remembering. Again, it's holding a knife against my throat. Just to tell me to admit that I am doing too much and I shouldn't overreact. But tell me, even him walking by, can make me instantly cry. So just slide it down my throat please so the blood could be caused by my own attempt. And not again by someone, else.