Perfect Girl Syndrome

I checked all the boxes, all neat and clean. I smiled wide, I stayed soft, unseen. I raised my hand, I made the grades. But I lost myself somewhere along the way. The pressure built as my perfect mask slipped. I wanted to be their star, but I came unequipped. I tried to uphold all their dreams. I strived for greatness and set the scene. I made the marks and did my part. But what happens when that gets too hard? I’m not some doll they can mend and mold. Or a robot that knows all the answers, how can they be so bold? I’m a person with feelings who can make mistakes. One missed homework assignment and I start to feel like a fake. Was this ever my dream? Was I aware of the stakes? Do I know what I’m doing? My future is starting to shake. I want to be great, like they all want me to be. But what about the little girl hiding in me? She wants to be a journalist and go to a nice school. But they say it’s impossible, what happened, that’s not cool. You said you had faith in all that I did. I showed you I cared, I did what you said. I wore myself thin, barely hanging on. But now that I’ve figured out my own paths, they aren’t good enough for you. Don’t make me laugh. I see how it is. It was never about me. You thought I was something to use, but I’m sorry, I bleed. I have my own wants and dreams. I blaze my own path, you’re just being mean. I put in the work, you did nothing but tear me down. You made me who I am, but you don’t deserve the crown. I got here myself; you just put obstacles in my way. You made me stronger, sure, but that doesn’t make it okay. “Pressure makes diamonds” is what they all say. But it also hurts children and pushes them away. You didn’t do me a favor, didn’t help me in any way. You made me resent school and put me on display. You manipulated my passions and turned them repulsive. You made me so tired, I became so impulsive. I want to be great, but not like you did. I want to be my own person and follow my fate. I’m going to be great, but for my own sake.