One Liners

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water! I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure! A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it! When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only concentrate on the covered parts! You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera! Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months! How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife? Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes! I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone! My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that! When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "I have to leave the hardware store"! I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect"! A clean house is the sign of a broken computer! My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 jumped to safety! Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood! My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk!