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One Liners

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water! I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure! A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it! When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only concentrate on the covered parts! You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera! Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months! How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife? Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes! I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone! My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that! When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "I have to leave the hardware store"! I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect"! A clean house is the sign of a broken computer! My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 jumped to safety! Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood! My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk!

Copyright © | Year Posted 2021




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Date: 11/8/2021 7:02:00 AM
Words to live by, thoroughly enjoyed.
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Ellison Avatar
Jack Ellison
Date: 11/8/2021 7:11:00 AM
Lots of fun stuff eh!!! Happy you enjoyed it... cheers!
Date: 11/7/2021 6:44:00 PM
Thanks for the laughs! You had me laughing from the onset! Love your donation to the local pool. Many many moons ago, a few uncostumed halloween teens came to my dad’s door. He handed them one roll of smarties and said, “Here…divide this among yourselves.” Then he closed the door. I guess that bag of smarties lasted for a good long while…
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Ellison Avatar
Jack Ellison
Date: 11/8/2021 4:34:00 AM
Your Dad had a great sense of humour dear Kim! LOL XOX
Date: 11/6/2021 3:59:00 PM
Hello Happy Jack, oh so hilarious, I have tearsof laughter reading this poem. Love, Darlene xxxx-oooo,
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Darlene De Beaulieu
Date: 11/7/2021 10:41:00 AM
Hello Happy Jack, Yes fun. Love Darlene xxoo. Darlene
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Jack Ellison
Date: 11/6/2021 4:36:00 PM
Had fun eh!!! Happy for you dear Darlene... love, Happy Jack XOX
Date: 11/6/2021 11:22:00 AM
FREAKIN' HILARIOUS JACK....I'M CHORTLING AND SNOT IS RUNNING FROM MY NOSE.
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Jack Ellison
Date: 11/6/2021 11:46:00 AM
EEEUUUU! Hope you're not licking it up!!!!!! Fun stuff eh! LOL Hang in there Sir John......
Date: 11/6/2021 10:53:00 AM
Great to start the day off Jack, the world needs more humour. Tom
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Jack Ellison
Date: 11/6/2021 11:52:00 AM
You came to the right place Sir Tomas! LOL Cheers
Date: 11/6/2021 10:08:00 AM
Jack, I'm sitting here laughing my a** off. Are these original? At least they are in my case, because I've never heard them before. So damned clever!
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Jack Ellison
Date: 11/6/2021 12:02:00 PM
Some are some aren't some are tweeked happy to hear you laughed your ass off!
Date: 11/6/2021 5:54:00 AM
Ha ha! These are brilliant. My faves are the donation to the swimming pool, the incorrect password and the therapist .. "we'll see about that!" Genius. I can imagine these featuring in stand up comedy. These will make a lot of people smile when they read them. Much enjoyed!
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Jack Ellison
Date: 11/6/2021 6:16:00 AM
Fun eh!!!! Have laugh... it's good for the soul! Thanks XOX