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Today a man knocked on my door and asked
for a small donation towards the local swimming
pool. I gave him a glass of water!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm
not too sure!

A recent study has found that women who carry a
little extra weight live longer than the men who
mention it!

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their
body... men are so polite they only concentrate on
the covered parts!

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group
picture and they hand you the camera!

Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street
puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it
in 18 months!

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his
shoes. That way when I do criticize him, I'm a mile
away and I have his shoes!

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your
life support to charge my phone!

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with
vengeance. We'll see about that!

When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's 
"art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and
"I have to leave the hardware store"!

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever
I forget what it is the computer will say 
"Your password is incorrect"!

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer!

My wife had her driver's test the other day.
She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 jumped to safety!

Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you
are donating blood!

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something
that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk!

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