One Day I Smile

Looking up at the sky, to see some beauty in all of my ugliness Depression, anxiety & Bipolar fighting to leave me the bloodiest I'm stuck in the middle, with nothing to protect me I'm going through the worst times, But still trying to be the best me I sit and think about my biological sperm donor from time to time He wasn't in my life, but he crosses my mind Imagine if he took me too the park to play football Imagine if he picked up the phone just to give me a call Passed around foster families, because my parents wouldn't put the drink down Bad memories are all I have to be around I need space from my own mind, but I can't find it How can I move forward, if I'm always behind it? I sit and wish I could go back and change things If I could, I'd get help for depression quicker and i'd give Chantal a ring I'd have married her and wouldn't have thought twice I've had far too many long days in this short life Depression made me push Chantal away, it plays on my mind daily She's not in my life anymore, I just hope she doesn't hate me I've had girls before and after, but she's the one I think about? Am I wrong for using her name as I pour this ink out? I'm 5 years free from Self-harm, but I wish I never did it in the first place It broke my heart that, my biological sperm donor didn't even send a card for my birthdays All I ever wanted was a hug and guidance from that man Am I wrong for wishing for that?, is that too much to understand? I never cried when he died so am I a Hypocrite? Forced to be a man since I was a little kid The sadness lives on, these are the tears I never cried One day I'll smile, but this was something I had to write One day I'll smile and all of this will be behind me I'm going to keep battling my demons and hope Happiness finds me One day I'll smile, and find my way I'll smile with a lot of happiness one day