Obviously

Mary Moorman took a Polaroid snap of John Kennedy at the exact moment he received his fatal head wound. Her picture has fuelled many conspiracy theories. I’m inclined to opine (it’s a passion of mine – to conclusions you’ll think me a jumper) that assassins abound, widely scattered around, and they’re thicker than bugs on a bumper! In this photo alone sniper gunmen unknown, and it only takes looking to nail ‘em. (Boy, if I’d been around when those witches were found, they’d a made me the mayor of Salem!) Take that guy on the stairs who’s been snapped unawares (you would see, if we had him in slo-mo): he’s a pal of Rosselli, ‘cos I’ve seen him on telly, and I’m outing him now – Perry Como! And the perp on the plinth with the sleazebag named Cynth – he’s a Russian, with codename “Zapruder”. Wait – she’s “Marilyn”, yes? Geez, why didn’t I guess? Then he obviously must be … Ry Cooder! Between Badge Man and Ry there’s a big hairy guy, who is clearly preparing to shoot. Why can’t anyone see? Ngo Dinh Diem, obviously – he’s disguised in a chimpanzee suit! Where the pergola ends – it screams out at you, friends – near where Cynth and Zapruder are grappling, waits a killer from Cuba with poison-dart tuba, dressed up as a sycamore sapling. I’m alerting the Pope to conspiracy dope that’s contained in this Polaroid snap – What? The sapling is lush? It’s a Texas-type bush? Why’d you give me that paranoid crap?