Reyna E Griffin
23 august 2021
Life is starting to feel like NOVEMBER again. Ah yes, an odd statement if you have no context of how it truly felt in NOVEMBER 2020.
Of course, nobody seemed to notice
They only noticed my state of being when it affected them.
They only cared that my grades had gotten low.
That my hygiene was catastrophic.
That my teeth had mutated to a sickening yellow.
But oh how proud they were when I was losing weight
Because when you're already fat, to begin with, any weight loss is deemed an accomplishment no matter how you did it or what it did to your state of being.
I didn't exercise not once, my only steps were to the bathroom and my mailbox hoping for a cheap amazon package to temporarily allow me to forget my state of being.
I didn't leave my room
When I got hungry I chewed on an old wad of recycled gum I had probably been chewing on for the last week.
When I got thirsty I would drink from my sink or even my shower.
When I got lonely I would read a romance novel containing a fake fantasy made up by delusional ers like myself.
When I got happy my smile would be wide and bright
But it would fade away in a matter of seconds
Like someone blew out the match
My thoughts would cut my happiness short.
I stopped wearing my glasses because the world was just a little more bearable as a blur
Happiness is bliss.
Knowledge and self-awareness is a burden
I avoided my family members because every time I walked past
it was a list of complaints of things I have once again completed wrong.
Or a snarky comment regarding the sickening stench that hovered and lingered around me.
I was aware that I was disgusting
I was aware that I felt unconscious
I was aware that I was fainting
I was aware that I wasn't eating
I was aware that my teeth were rotten
I was aware that my hair was falling out
I was aware that without the distraction of the everyday hustle and bustle of life
I was alone with my thoughts.
My emotions intensified,
Whilst my sanity declined.
I began to hibernate all day and ponder on my life at dark
Through my grainy vision id often see my paintings and memories swish from side to side from the icy breeze coming from my window
Did I even have a valid reason to be at war with myself ?
I still couldn’t find the answer
And my sorrows from NOVEMBER
Lingered to DECEMBER
And I decayed on.
Copyright © Reyna Griffin | Year Posted 2021
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