No Joy In Loss

No joy in grief. Just guilt, regret and disbelief. I am at this point where when I find myself starting to smile, or feel a bit of joy or happiness. But then those thoughts of her and knowing she will never be here to feel anything again, makes my insides shake with sadness. When I plan for the future, I feel the utmost amount of guilt. I avoid places that make me think of her because my throat closes, while my eyes build up with seas of sadness. I let out wails of pain and heartbreak, as if to hear the news for the first time all over again. I get so angry when people bring her up, not at them at the fact that we have to talk about her in past tense. I hate planning things I know she would enjoy, it's like an F you to her face. It's the regret I should have done more before. I wish we could have ended our internal wars. Mended bonds that really should have never needed to be fixed. I hate myself that I wasn't the stronger of us two. I wish I would have dropped my ego and tried to find you.