My Savior Is My Insanity

[ Y o u c a n ‘ t b e f i x e d i f y o u h a v e n ‘ t b e e n b r o k e n] … My immune system lay strong, yet I was burdened with many health issues; my treatment has healed the pain though killed the mentally stable being which lay within my soul. My medical accidents may be lessened, but I am now unable to sob in desperation, so this unspeaking voice shall finally be heard through my words. … My health issues have been for years, and still continue; I’m a messed up shape of flesh who cannot be fixed without if she hasn’t been broken. However, something unexpected happened through my treatment; the way I viewed myself shifted. … My doctors put me on very strong birth control, because women’s health care sucks and birth control is their solution for everything. I was 12, so expectedly it drove me insane; I hallucinated, my actions profound through pain. I was diagnosed with depression from an age so early, and I couldn’t see myself as the young girl I was just a few months ago. I was the same, yet unrecognizable. … I remember facing another issue; I put the medical gear on, as the tubes connected to my nose; the band was laid across my hips as the metal heartbeat tracker rested on my chest. I stood up, as the wires which I used to tie them together dangled from my fragile body, and walked in front of my mirror. … See, you look in the mirror, you may think you’re ugly; you may think you’re pretty. But you’re whole. And you’re a human. Though when I saw myself, I couldn’t stop staring-- I didn’t see my perfections, nor did I my flaws-- I didn’t see a human. My silhouette belonged to one of a woman, though I, with wires and tubes and a tracker on my torso, looked like a machine. A robot. A messed up shape of flesh. … Though I am closer to being fixed, I am now unrecognizable. So I break vow of that unspeaking voice, now wailing for help and profound through desperation as I learn to accept it— what keeps me alive drives me insane.