My Greatest Fear

“What are you afraid of?” … This question is often brought upon me; I feign nonchalance and am perceived as someone who maintains intrepid behavior. However, that is simply untrue. Brazenly, I am quite a “wimp.” While my fears cannot be held to a simple definition, I present this ultimatum: My greatest sentiment is entangled within love, yet love is what terrorizes my fragile being the most. My friends and family give me the very affection I need to survive, yet the thought of it being taken away haunts me. I fear that one day, everyone I love will lose the mutuality we share; that one day, my raw emotion will be what drives their repulsed selves away. When their disgust consumes them, they eventually abandon me; we will part, not on good terms but out of the profound repugnance they hold for me. … My foundation is built upon the lessons I’ve been taught by others, as I perpetually mature through them. Losing someone who has nurtured my ethics throughout my life would be losing a part of myself; without them, I would be an undone puzzle, longing for my unfulfilled life to be completed. Maybe then, I would finally feel whole. … The individuals who I’ve grown with have treated me with respect, and have provided me with a sense of belonging. If they were to hurt me, or damage my sensitive soul, I would continually exist while unrepaired. The thought of someone who I trust hurting me courses fright through my spirit. It would not only break the sense of faith I have in them, but I would find it hard to believe anyone in general. … To heal is to move on; but I possess memories, memories too unbearable to simply be forgotten. I fear that I will be unable to forgive and forget what has been brought upon me. Just like everyone else, I have struggled greatly, and I find it hard to neglect the pessimistic emotions tearing at me. But what if I never heal? You cannot forget if you haven’t been burdened with memory, yet not everyone forgets. So what if I don’t? … Abandonment, loss, damage, the inability to heal; aren’t these all a part of life? Though I don’t want to die, I feel as if I fear existing; life itself overwhelms me, when it shouldn’t, and though what I go through is normal, the anxiety overtakes the feeling of living. Maybe life itself scares me; maybe I’m just.. weak.