my earliest memory of shame

The thought of you reminds me of what it feels like to scream without a voice To scream and internally feel the words fall deaf Fall deeper down into the pit of my soul I despise you, although I’m sure you don’t remember me The way I feel about you is difficult to put into words I despise you, although I don’t know you Holding such hate for a someone I do not know Hate held for someone who would not remember me Connected to a stranger by my earliest memory of shame Dirty, filthy, cold, old man hands Creeping, stalking, preying on my childhood innocence It belongs to you now Since then it always had Not because you asked for it Someone as vile as you does not dare ask for consent No, it belongs to you only because you snatched it As though it was yours to take From that moment victimhood consumed me Fell over me, as if descending from the unknown Dark, heavy, full, resembling the greyest of rain clouds Ready to implode at any time A child could not scream Who would believe me? How would I even tell? I swallowed the encounter, Took it on as as my own burden to nurture Mine to carry, I could not remove it Not with acceptance, nor with time The baggage gets so heavy sometimes Even with my now mature body carrying it It’s a part of me, because I thought I had no other option I was just a child, barely a teen Dirty, filthy, cold, old man hands Groping me under my skirt I despise you, although I’m sure you don’t remember me The way I feel about you is difficult to put into words I despise you, although I don’t know you Holding such hate for a someone I do not know Hate held for someone who would not remember me My earliest memory of shame