my earliest memory of shame
The thought of you reminds me of what it feels like to scream without a voice
To scream and internally feel the words fall deaf
Fall deeper down into the pit of my soul
I despise you, although I’m sure you don’t remember me
The way I feel about you is difficult to put into words
I despise you, although I don’t know you
Holding such hate for a someone I do not know
Hate held for someone who would not remember me
Connected to a stranger by my earliest memory of shame
Dirty, filthy, cold, old man hands
Creeping, stalking, preying on my childhood innocence
It belongs to you now
Since then it always had
Not because you asked for it
Someone as vile as you does not dare ask for consent
No, it belongs to you only because you snatched it
As though it was yours to take
From that moment victimhood consumed me
Fell over me, as if descending from the unknown
Dark, heavy, full, resembling the greyest of rain clouds
Ready to implode at any time
A child could not scream
Who would believe me?
How would I even tell?
I swallowed the encounter,
Took it on as as my own burden to nurture
Mine to carry, I could not remove it
Not with acceptance, nor with time
The baggage gets so heavy sometimes
Even with my now mature body carrying it
It’s a part of me, because I thought I had no other option
I was just a child, barely a teen
Dirty, filthy, cold, old man hands
Groping me under my skirt
I despise you, although I’m sure you don’t remember me
The way I feel about you is difficult to put into words
I despise you, although I don’t know you
Holding such hate for a someone I do not know
Hate held for someone who would not remember me
My earliest memory of shame
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