Mother- Killer

Why do you care so much for how I look? Is it so that I can be attractive enough to get married? I wish sometimes that you would care about my life as much as you care about my weight. Just for one day I want to be able to look directly in the mirror and not peak glances. Because of your words, mother, I can no longer see myself in the reflection. Just for one day, I want to be able to eat without hiding. Thinking its something to be guilty of, purging any food which accidently slips down my throat. Because of your words mother, I cry myself to sleep hoping in the morning Ill become thinner. If tears could equate to weight, id be as light as a feather. Just for one day I wish I could walk with confidence and not have to cover myself in shrouds to hide my fat. If my fat melted away, would I be perfect? Even remotely pretty? You told me, that my hair is the only thing that even makes my face remotely attractive. Do you remember? How you called me a cow and wondered why you had birthed me who couldn’t be thin like your other girls. Oh god I would have wished that if I were to hear these things growing up, that I hadn’t been born. Mother, do you know that I cry when I tell you I’m revising. And I wish sometimes that you would find out. But still you would laugh at me. At why I cry over this, just like everyone. Mother, I thought u are supposed to be my shield from the outside world, but instead it feels like I, myself am my own shield, and you are the one shooting me. Is it too much to ask, for you to at least not batter me for the way I look? You birthed me, yet it is hard to think that. “if I were an enemy, I would say you are fine, but since I’m your mother I have to be rude about it.” This is how you justify your words. Expecting that the whole day I cried is justified by this. No mother, even my enemy wouldn’t say what you say. My enemy looks at you and thinks you are a greater enemy. I wish to be swallowed by the layers of my fat, so that at least you are relieved of this burden. Tell me, mother, who will you shame once I’m gone?