Mind's Chaos

I'm scared and riddled with insecurities being thrown at me by an unknown hand above. I cut you open and instinctively say I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, but I'm scared because I did. I knew exactly what I was doing before I did it. I usually do. You don't know me completely and thoroughly. Maybe one day you will, but not yet. I cut you open and slit your wrist and let the blood flow out of my own because it hurt me too. I cried tears of triumph as they spilled over the rims of eyes filled with remorse. I opened you up and shut you down with just the snap of the rope keeping my brain together as killer thoughts caused it to unravel. I loath myself for allowing that to happen. I try to be strong and keep my composure, but it's so incredibly hard when my feelings are magnified. I ruined it all. Broke a trust. Broke the femur of a bridge's foundation linking two foreign lands together. Maybe it wasn't that big of a deal to you. It really shouldn't have been, but it ended up being that way. Don't ask me why because I couldn't say. I get scared because I can hurt you, equally scared because you can hurt me too. I can hurt myself, and you can hurt me too. I don't want to be in a situation like before. I want to be loved by someone who feels the same, at the same level. I don't want to place my heart in your hands and have it beat so fast yours can't keep up, and you just let it drop on the floor, plop, and you leave. Would you rather be with someone else if you came across that person. Would you rather be with the beautiful red head with a physic closer to your wildest dreams. Would you rather be with someone with a stable mind who doesn't think these things all the time? Annoyance at its best for you I'm sure. I don't want to feel like I'm just your best option for the time being, when I see you as a perfect being to the point where I don't want to, don't need to, search anymore. The blinders have already been placed over me. I see no one else. But I wish I could see what you see.