Laura Breidenthal Poet Free verse

Matter

You, again. . .
Yes, I know I mustn’t look your way, 
Even averted wholeheartedly, I am immersed in your presence
And it is so different, when it is the first, 
It is stranger, unearthing…

I wasn’t in love, infatuated at best,
How cruel those emotions twisted and turned against you
Your soul must have quivered in wariness as I passed your way
As I, never enough, never strong enough, turned the other cheek

Deafly, I hear your voice amongst the crowd,
The annoying, distinctive voice that had later caught my interest,
And then, disdain…as years passed…
Disdain, for that voice spoke so well, though it never understood my pain
It never articulated, understood that level of my sorrows

I let you go long ago,
But I cannot bear to look at you again
At that smug face, your short-trimmed hair,
And that smile…every single time we lock eyes
It’s a smile of “Why must she be here?
Why do we have the same friends?
Soon, she will be away,
Lost in separate reality
And I shall press forward
To more important people,
More important things…”

Why is it so, so hard to reconnect with you?
Not in that foolish love battle we’ve never fought,
Or the crazy emotional rampage that have ruined beautiful nights

I just want to believe I exist in your world, 
That maybe somehow, I make sense, 
I do not just materialize in your presence,
To be greeted by your condescending smile
I just want to, just for a moment, Matter,
Not in the way that we are all so used to,
Of the immaterial, the foolish bump into worlds
Bouncing right back out of sight
The hesitation, the holding of breath, 
The distasteful beat of your anxious heart
Losing me in every thump of your chest

Under that dastardly, angry brow of yours
In the cruel crook of your half-smile,
I know what I can be,
This unattractive, quiet, luminous nuisance
I know it, in my valueless existence,
I know I am too much at times, 
And for that I have recoiled, 
Soiled in these foolish tears
I cry because you Matter, 
Where I may never

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Timothy Hicks March 15, 2016 at 2:39 AM What a complex roller coaster this is. Emotions are rarely single tone, but come in a vast array of textures. You can see a mountain from a distance and it will look two dimensional, but when I read this poem I feel as though I'm backpacking through the valleys, the streams, and seeing the mountain for what it truly is ... beyond comprehension. Laura Breidenthal March 15, 2016 at 5:06 AM It was a rollercoaster time to say the least. Goodness, I'm glad it's over. You know how a past can be pressing I'm sure. I love this comment, Timothy --even your feedback is poetic. Thank you for taking your time to read..this is so so sweet of you to write. <3 ~Laura Timothy Hicks March 15, 2016 at 2:43 AM You certainly do matter, Laura. And for those that don't see it, it's their loss. But how difficult it is too care for someone deeply, who for some strange reason, does not share the same sentiments. It feels disproportionate in our reciprocal way of thinking.

Davina Browne October 8, 2015 at 4:52 PM omg that was awesome laura, this I could never even bring to write something so feeling and you matter to me <3 bless it be bless you for this beautiful write Laura Breidenthal October 8, 2015 at 5:26 PM Thanks Davina. (: I've missed your sweet words. You write with so much feeling. I'm glad to have come across your work. ~Laura

Tim Smith October 3, 2015 at 9:33 PM ....... A culmination of what every girl dreams about. Raise your head high, be yourself, for you do matter. Laura Breidenthal October 4, 2015 at 1:20 AM Tim...thank you for such a sweet comment. That right here, meant the world...it really did. <3 <3 <3 <3 ~Laura

Tim Smith October 3, 2015 at 9:32 PM You matter in more ways than you think. You matter to your future family. Your future children. You matter in a world that doesn't care if we come or if we go. I couldn't help but feel these emotions with you seeing him when he locked his eyes with yours. I was feeling the tension. How you couldn't be yourself. Walking on eggshells. But why. He matters no more even though his memory does. He was your first love, your crescendo.....cont Laura Breidenthal October 4, 2015 at 1:23 AM <3<3

Kp Nunez September 30, 2015 at 2:23 AM What more can I say that the others haven't said already, my friend? Speechless, really. Let me take stock. Will try to be back with a more coherent comment. For now, let me say, I feel the pain.... Big hugs for you... Laura Breidenthal September 30, 2015 at 10:38 AM Thank you for your sweet empathy, Kim. And thanks for the hugs too! ~Laura

Duke Beaufort September 29, 2015 at 6:17 PM It's not easy to understand this. I personally think the experience did something to us similar to PTSD. I also tend to think of this experience as an indicator saying to me-he you, focus ahead. But I never seem quite able to beat it. It always comes back. It is just such a strange thing--it must be a relic from our evolution from the missing link. Perhaps we can think of it as a strange gift of some kind. If you do find a cure for this, please let me know, and I will also do the same. Duke Beaufort September 29, 2015 at 6:18 PM I meant hey-you

Duke Beaufort September 29, 2015 at 5:31 PM This is the statement of a grand feeling that I could identify with. How is it possible that we could be so concerned about mattering in something that (in the grand scheme of things) is not really that much? Perhaps I need to focus more on the here and now, but the past keeps appearing and presenting itself. I do believe this has something to do with the fixation of a memory that just won't go away. Those dirty neurotransmitters!! Anyway, you matter more than you know to me. Laura Breidenthal September 29, 2015 at 9:24 PM That's so sweet of you to say...thanks for touching my heart... <3 Needed it tonight.~Laura

Justin Bordner September 28, 2015 at 1:18 PM "I cry because you matter, where I may never..." the essence of this poem's dramatic yearning lies between the distinction of love and infatuation, and the pain of feeling insecure with your Love, or at least the one you are obseessed with, wondering if he shares his heart with you. The speculation, the innocent feelings of your heart are magnified, and sadly profound in this poem Laura. Yet I find a warm happiness in knowing that you need his love...J.A.B. Justin Bordner September 28, 2015 at 7:21 PM Love who you must, leave who you will Laura...J.A.B. Laura Breidenthal September 28, 2015 at 3:59 PM I'm fighting with familiar emotions again, this week, seeing this person, my first love, or infatuation as it were... he passes through my mind from time to time, but now that he is here in my world, it's difficult to fight the past. Thank you for taking the time to read as always....you always bring me timely, warm happiness Justin. I look up to you with respect and love! ~Laura