M Y L I F E

Grow.Heal.Prosper M Y L I F E ! I feel like my life is like a boat , the boat is my life everything I’ve worked hard for ! My survival a place that I dreamed of creating for my children and I ! but all my trauma and pain made me forget how to take care of this boat how to maintain it , I decided to take a risk and allow a man on this journey with me even though I knew better, he talked a good game on convincing me he could provide me with everything we needed to make this boat sail across the water with no problem. He assured me that yes the journey will have storms and waves that will try and take us out but he knew how to , LEAD ME, PROTECT ME, MAKE ME STRONGER AND WISER all while pouring the LOVE I NEEDED BACK INTO ME! But little did I know he actually had no clue on how to maintain a boat because he as well carried his own trauma and pain. Even though I should have understood, I didn’t, I couldn’t! I no longer wanted to be the understanding one, I no longer wanted to carry man and make them better for in the end I’m left DEPLETED!! This was supposed to be the time someone SAVED ME !!!! I felt played, I felt disappointed, I felt FURIOUS!!!! Because I KNEW BETTER !!!! but I learned to stay quiet and accustom myself to just being okay with things I wasn’t okay with. Suffering everyday in silence knowing this man was going to lead us right into the ground, everyday it was happening and becoming more and more clearer, but what option did I have ? We’re was my kids and I supposed to go ? We had already been stuck out in the deep, dark, lonely ocean for years ! WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE? This was for the sake of my children as long as I could keep them happy and unaware of what’s happening around them, then I will it’s their happiness before mine. So I stayed quiet, fixed the things he continually broke as discreet as possible, hoping that after each repair he would learn, grow, become the Man I needed him to be. Nope he actually started to become completely reliant on I to keep this boat afloat, the roles of this relationship have suddenly change. How I the woman have now become the Man? ……So it all began just like the many times before, by him trying to maintain his place on the boat, knowing regardless of anything it’s no free ride here! He took bits and pieces of my advice on helping him to GROW UP created a fake script of what he thought a man should be and tried to appear as the HELPER the helper for me, he would say things like “ I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO SEE YOU HAPPY” not knowing all she wanted was for him to MAN UP ! So he began making holes , breaking things on the boat and eventually it started to sink , it’s started to burn so I had no choice but to jump in the deep trying to rid myself of the baggage of everything that had accumulated on that boat during this illusion of happiness and peace of a relationship I was carrying , hoping I had enough strength in me to get my children and I to land , and I really did believe that! It was like when I first jump in I had this sense of power and independence , finally thinking that putting me first would actually make things better for me, CHIN UP CHEST OUT , YOU GOT THIS I told myself. So I jumped into the ocean and at first I could see it this beautiful paradise on the horizon just waiting for me to be at peace, to stop fighting, to rest and heal, to EXHALE ! yet it felt so far away, but I kept trying and trying and trying every way possible I could to get to that island because I deserved it after all my boys deserved it, the hell I had been through loosing everything I was determined! So I kept moving forward never looking back at that sinking boat behind me or anyone or thing that was on it only my sons and I slowly making our way towards SERENITY! And at first it wasn’t so bad my sons were strong and determined just like I raised them, my oldest keeping me motivated and giving me the strength when he saw me failing, my youngest showing me the compassion and love to understand I’AM LOVED AND APPRECIATED! But then fending off the sharks , the swimming and fighting through the storms, trying my hardest to hang on has tight as I possibly could to my children, making sure we all survive, we all make it to that island ! I’ am their mother, I have to protect them, I CANNOT FAIL THEM, I kept swimming pulling them along right behind me, feeling every wave hit me harder and harder each time, then BANG exhaustion starts kicking, the defeat starts raging in my soul like a the worst fire anyone could see ! I could no longer pretend for my children, I could no longer wear the Supermom cape, I could no longer PRETEND that I’m fine and everything was going to be fine, I can hear my children’s voices “SAVE US MOM ! “ and then BLAM! Just like that the biggest wave hit, feeling like the whole world literally crashed down on top of my whole body, wiping me out completely, you I felt my body slowly breaking down, suddenly my weights diminished, my hairs floating away in the waves, I look at me, my children look at me and cannot recognize who I’am my face completely disfigured! I didn’t know if it was from the elements around me or the HIGH LEVELS OF STRESS, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION! I screamed out loud to God “ GOD I’M SORRY , MY CHILDREN IM SORRY , MY FAMILY IM SORRY BUT I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMOREEEEEEEE! In the midst of my true agony I was praying God would throw me a lifeline a raft, a boat, anyone to come by and rescue me !….. Eventually I do give up I begin to slowly slip beneath the cold dark water, looking up at the sky still hoping someone will come and save US ! soon I’m struggling to breathe, choking from my own grief and pity, feeling the weight of failing my children push me deeper and deeper to the depths of sorrow and agony, I had to let my children go, I know they can make it without me, I know they will make it to paradise, the longer I held onto them, the more I would drag them down to depths with me, I HAD TO LET THEM GO! And that’s when the last piece in me broke, I held onto a hope that they will grow and become PROSPEROUS MAN! That they will remember their mother fought HARD and long and I loved them more then anything is this world, how sorry I was I couldn’t be MENTALLY STRONG ENOUGH FOR THEM, hoping they understood I let go so they go Thrive! So I watched as they swam to the surface me slowly drifting deeper and deeper in the dark until eventually I was gone, and the sun still continued to shine, the birds stilled flew and no one ever cared enough to see all that I had been going through..