Living with Agoraphobia

Coping with Agoraphobia well you are basically pent up in your home for me it finally took it's toil my therapist came to my home because I was basically limited spending hours in a room peeking through maroon drapes keeping my home dark besides the daylight hurt my sore swollen eyes always trying to hide I wasn't crying my children said mom has the crying disease because the tears flowed then panic sinks in for me it was the domestic abuse wearing the wires pregnant for the FBI the emotional trauma of hearing my fetus heartbeat so very loud I never understood that except to say god reminding me of my living fetus in my womb the guilt of allowing the FBI to install the wires on my unborn baby as a catholic mom I am dreadfully in shock thee going deep inside hostage situations buying weapons and drugs from junk sick city officials with guns I couldn't show fear then one of my therapist said when I left that situation working on the Airforce base feeling safe and relaxed when wham a table fell on my foot I relived the nightmare of wearing the wires for the FBI pregnant in that moment I had a severe panic attack this truly emptied my mind into my throat I couldn't swallow heart racing thunder in my chest that began the severe anxiety Agoraphobia but I'm very blessed medication management helped a lot healing coping fearing for my life whose coming to kill me who knows me as an informant am I safe is that a hitman or an insurance guy recovering from being a confidential human source in a world of full blown terrorist witnessing a murder meant for me that my abusive ex an arson murderer of 9 my stalkers gang leaders I will never ever feel safe again reading license plates looking for threats from the arson murderer of 9 his corrupt city officials reading to run me over afraid of crowds panting palms sweating afraid of having another panic attack in public and losing my way getting hurt because nobody understands my disease I really hated that people just didn't understand me some people thought I was a snob staying in my room reading Mrs. Dalloway a room of her own John Keats or William Butler Yeats looking out the window watching life happen outside I cried because I couldn't go to the grocery store I cried walking to go pick up my kids from school reciting for the all the way sake of his sorrowful passion have mercy on us and on the whole world living in procession clutching my rosary why I cried in front of teachers they were kind understanding practically rushing into the medical van to hurry back home rocking back and forth balling myself up in a fetal position reciting 100 for the sake of his sorrowful passion have mercy on us and on the whole world just from leaving the house but that was progress it was progress I didn't need it always landed me in first responders alert trucks panting so embarrassing people victimize you when you're this vulnerable you're only relax around your disabled peers persons with a disability some you see some you can't but somehow there's a spiritual human connection to assure you are safe that I too am healing coping surviving only family members could take me out to doctors pharmacies which was where I shopped because there was no crowds there, I had to get meds. I've come along way with support from Veterans Military order of the Purple Heart the am vets the American Legion through my catholic church family through consistent treatment away from crowds I feel safe until my next doctors appointment when the license plates began as soon as I put on my seat belt click I blink my eyes focus on the license plates I've started wearing my night mask when my husband drive me to my doctors it really helps or simply remove my glasses since my eye socket was crushed and reading license plates uncontrollably for all these years has caused blindness which is quite the blessing not being able to see them helps with my anxiety disorder Agoraphobia For we walk by faith not by sight