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Coping with Agoraphobia well you are basically pent up 
in your home for me it finally took it's toil my therapist 
came to my home because I was basically limited spending 
hours in a room peeking through maroon drapes keeping my 
home dark besides the daylight hurt my sore swollen eyes 
always trying to hide I wasn't crying my children said mom 
has the crying disease because the tears flowed then panic 
sinks in for me it was the domestic abuse wearing the wires
 
pregnant for the FBI the emotional trauma of hearing my fetus 
heartbeat so very loud I never understood that except to say 
god reminding me of my living fetus in my womb the guilt of 
allowing the FBI to install the wires on my unborn baby as a 
catholic mom I am dreadfully in shock thee going deep inside 
hostage situations buying weapons and drugs from junk sick 
city officials with guns I couldn't show fear then one of my 
therapist said when I left that situation working on the Airforce 

base feeling safe and relaxed when wham a table fell on my foot 
I relived the nightmare of wearing the wires for the FBI pregnant 
in that moment I had a severe panic attack this truly emptied 
my mind into my throat I couldn't swallow heart racing thunder
in my chest  that began the severe anxiety Agoraphobia but I'm 
very blessed medication management helped a lot healing coping 
fearing for my life whose coming to kill me who knows me as an 
informant am I safe is that a hitman or an insurance guy recovering 

from being a confidential human source in a world of full blown 
terrorist witnessing a murder meant for me that my abusive 
ex an arson murderer of 9 my stalkers gang leaders I will never 
ever feel safe again reading license plates looking for threats from 
the arson murderer of 9 his corrupt city officials reading to run me 
over afraid of crowds panting palms sweating afraid of having 
another panic attack in public and losing my way getting hurt because 
nobody understands my disease I really hated that people just didn't 

understand me some people thought I was a snob staying in my 
room reading Mrs. Dalloway a room of her own John Keats or 
William Butler Yeats looking out the window watching life happen 
outside I cried because I couldn't go to the grocery store I cried 
walking to go pick up my kids from school reciting for the all the way
sake of his sorrowful passion have mercy on us and on the whole 
world living in procession clutching my rosary why I cried in front 
of teachers they were kind understanding practically rushing into 
the medical van to hurry back home rocking back and forth balling
 
myself up in a fetal position reciting 100 for the sake of his sorrowful
passion have mercy on us and on the whole world just from leaving 
the house but that was progress it was progress I didn't need it 
always landed me in first responders alert trucks panting so
embarrassing people victimize you when you're this vulnerable 
you're only relax around your disabled peers persons with a 
disability some you see some you can't but somehow there's 
a spiritual human connection to assure you are safe that I too am 

healing coping surviving only family members could take me out 
to doctors pharmacies which was where I shopped because there 
was no crowds there, I had to get meds. I've come along way with 
support from Veterans Military order of the Purple Heart the am vets 
the American Legion through my catholic church family through 
consistent treatment away from crowds I feel safe until my next 
doctors appointment when the license plates began as soon as I 
put on my seat belt click I blink my eyes focus on the license plates 

I've started wearing my night mask when my husband drive me 
to my doctors it really helps or simply remove my glasses since 
my eye socket was crushed and reading license plates uncontrollably 
for all these years has caused blindness which is quite the blessing 
not being able to see them helps with my anxiety disorder Agoraphobia 
                         For we walk by faith not by sight
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