Lies I Want To Belive

my parents they cried together, they died together. My brother alive and breathing, in the flesh. my mind healthy, kind, understanding. i will get up today. i will get up and shower, wash my body under the refreshing water wash my hair my body. i am okay my hands are steady my breaths are even. but these are just lies, you see. ten years ago marks his death, two years prior marks the end of something rotten, marking the beginning of something horrid and scarring. months go by as filth collects on my skin but i cannot be bothered to wash. every breath i take is restricted and cautious i cannot draw a straight line anymore. i tell myself these lies to make things better, but i stop knowing they're fake, and start think they are real, that they happened, or didn't. they didn't. they are lies i tell myself. just lies.