In awe

I stand in awe. I watch in amazement. You're a cirque du soleil performer, A contortionist. I watch you bend and twist, Until you turn into this brute. This beast. This monster before me. You warp your words until all trace of love has crumbled and fallen through the cracks in the foundation. This love feels empty. You say I'm horrible, I'm a b*tch all the time. You don't understand that you have changed me. You have broken me down until the shards of who I was end up cutting you when you press your hands against me to push me around. I stand in awe, That I let this happen. That I allowed myself to believe I deserved this. And it amazes me, That I truly love you. I have stood the test of this abuse, And the love I always felt for you remains. I hurt when you hurt. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I am full of love and forgiveness for you; But you never offered me the same. I love you so unconditionally that I allowed this to be my life for more than half a decade. However; I learned that I didn't deserve this. I never deserved to be called names. I never deserved to have to hide from you. I never deserved the rejection, I never deserved to feel you strike me. I never deserved the bruises. I never deserved the tears. I never deserved to be so confused. I never deserved to live in fear. I do not know why I love you. I don't need to know right now. What I have to do, Is learn to love myself the way I love you. I want to be in awe of how far I've come, But I know I cannot. Not if I am traveling with you.