Notes About The Poem

Impassive

Version 1


    wind-uprooted trees

lie huddled on the ground

      he hones his axe


Version 2


      wind-uprooted trees

lie on the ground - impassive

         he hones his axe

---------------------------------


*Any preference?

how i feelsenryu

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Laura Hay

September 16, 2015 at 4:19 PM

Hi Paul, both are good but swaying towards the first as I prefer the use of the word huddled, warm regards, Laura

Paul Callus

September 16, 2015 at 4:43 PM

Thank you Laura! Goes to prove that one word is often enough to sway our judgment:) ~ Regards // paul

Kp Nunez

September 14, 2015 at 1:17 PM

Just got to read this, Paul. Projects sharp images. As for preference...Let me pose the question to you. What would YOU wish to focus more, the trees, or both the trees AND the woodcutter honing his axe? If you wish to play up the both, then I would prefer the 2nd. Isn't the jux for that precise reason...Anyway you choose, it's a powerful senryu. hugs!

Paul Callus

September 14, 2015 at 4:08 PM

Hi Kim! To be honest I was happy with how the first one turned out. Then the 2nd came to mind, but I do not feel like sacrificing one for the other, so eventually I will end by keeping both:) hugs // paul

Angie Thomas

September 13, 2015 at 1:51 PM

Mother earth is dying... *sigh* i hope things will be a little different in the future....

Paul Callus

September 13, 2015 at 4:38 PM

Nature has to look after itself, yet very often it has to beware also cruel human treatment! Thank you for giving your preference, Angie:) // paul

Angie Thomas

September 13, 2015 at 1:51 PM

And also, i prefer the second one :)

Arthur Vaso

September 13, 2015 at 12:12 AM

and being Canadian, how could I not leave you with this! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zey8567bcg

Paul Callus

September 13, 2015 at 11:34 AM

Oh to be a lumberjack!! Enjoyed with a smile:) // paul

Arthur Vaso

September 13, 2015 at 12:09 AM

well I just have to be different, if I had to chose, be the second as "impassive" to me is the powerful word here. Now as I dont follow form in just about all things, for me the poem would sound great "lie huddled on the ground - impassive" When I read the poem aloud, for me that rings true. Cheers

Paul Callus

September 13, 2015 at 11:25 AM

Hi Arthur! Your version aptly combines the two versions together, giving it a new image, while omitting the cold axe. I like it as well! // Now let me listen to the above link! // paul

Andrea Dietrich

September 10, 2015 at 9:40 PM

some of my favorite poets are on here supporting the first one as well. Yayyy

Paul Callus

September 12, 2015 at 2:06 PM

Right....I'll give it another week, and then we'll declare the winning version:)) // paul

Jack Horne

September 10, 2015 at 3:33 PM

well, they both work for me but I think version one is my favourite - clever write, my friend

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 4:38 PM

Thank you my friend Jack! Always a pleasure to have you dropping by. ~ All the best. // paul

Nette Onclaud

September 10, 2015 at 12:56 AM

i'll go for no.1 ,paul.. it has more impact, more action...fine write as always. huggs

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 1:40 PM

Thank you Nette:) It's amazing how a change of just one word can influence the reader! Hugs // paul

Andrea Dietrich

September 9, 2015 at 12:00 AM

I am drawn to the first one. I enjoy the personification of "huddled." Very nice writing.

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 1:22 PM

The trees were already huddled, comforting each other, when the strong wind came without mercy. Thank you for reading, and making a choice! // paul

Poet Destroyer A

September 8, 2015 at 8:16 PM

Oh, no not the axe.... Love it Paul...especially the first Haiku. Grounded well...Linda

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 1:18 PM

Don't worry Linda...no axe for you:) Thank you for reading and commenting favourably. ~ hugs // paul

Afolabi Muideen

September 8, 2015 at 3:35 PM

A lovely write......A.M.

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 11:39 AM

Thank you for revisiting, Afolabi. // paul

Laura Breidenthal

September 8, 2015 at 3:31 PM

I honestly felt more reading the first one, although the second one, I agree, was more intense to me... the image of the trees huddling pulls on my heartstrings, and I can feel more for the tree... and then in the second one, there is no sign of emotion... and it's rather chilling. All in all both verses were excellent Paul. Thank you for sharing...Always, Laura

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 11:27 AM

Thank you Laura! Your insightful reasoning is exactly what I had in mind. The word 'huddled' in version1 seeks to draw the reader emotionally closer. The word 'impassive' in version2 applies to both the trees and the woodcutter. ~ Pleased that you enjoyed. Regards // paul

Olive Eloisa Guillermo - Fraser

September 8, 2015 at 8:50 AM

the second one is certainly much better.. the effect is more intense, Paul.. hugs !~Olive Eloisa

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 11:19 AM

Thank you for your 'intense' feedback, Olive_eloi! Hugs // paul

Ravi Sathasivam

September 8, 2015 at 8:16 AM

Excellent. But I prefer second sound better. Thanks for sharing it.

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 11:17 AM

Thank you for sharing your tastes, Ravi. All the best. // paul

Casarah Nance

September 8, 2015 at 7:14 AM

The second sounds more Haiku-ish...but I do like the first one better..

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 11:03 AM

Thank you for your output, Casarah:) All the best. // paul

Afolabi Muideen

September 8, 2015 at 4:22 AM

I know nought about haiku Paul, but you descriptive is beautiful and eloquence however the second one seems phenomenally in its beauty...... Love always...........A..M.

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 10:45 AM

I am pleased that you chose to read and comment in all sincerity, Afolabi:) Thank you! // paul

Connie Marcum Wong

September 8, 2015 at 2:21 AM

I think I like the second one better Paul. It really makes you feel the power of Mother Nature.

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 10:23 AM

Thank you Connie; your choice and reasoning are truly appreciated. Regards // paul

Dr. Upma A. Sharma

September 8, 2015 at 1:18 AM

Love the second one better, lie on ground- impassive,,, lays stress on its breathless life,, as it lies motionless n still ,, very lovely both these Paul!

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 10:26 AM

Thank you for the insightful comments, Upma:) Have a nice day! // paul

Barbara Gorelick

September 7, 2015 at 10:04 PM

I like both, but as a haiku I prefer the 1st..the "impassive" in the second makes it more of a senryu...just a thought from someone who knows nothing..lol. BG

Paul Callus

September 10, 2015 at 9:53 AM

You are absolutely correct, Barbara! In fact, Personification is present in both versions, so that disqualifies them from the haiku form. Thus I am changing the form to Senryu:) ~ All the best:) // paul