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Impassive

Version 1


    wind-uprooted trees

lie huddled on the ground

      he hones his axe


Version 2


      wind-uprooted trees

lie on the ground - impassive

         he hones his axe

---------------------------------


*Any preference?

Copyright © Paul Callus | Year Posted 2015

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Laura Hay Date: 9/16/2015 4:19:00 PM Hi Paul, both are good but swaying towards the first as I prefer the use of the word huddled, warm regards, Laura Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/16/2015 4:43:00 PM Thank you Laura! Goes to prove that one word is often enough to sway our judgment:) ~ Regards // paul

Kp Nunez Date: 9/14/2015 1:17:00 PM Just got to read this, Paul. Projects sharp images. As for preference...Let me pose the question to you. What would YOU wish to focus more, the trees, or both the trees AND the woodcutter honing his axe? If you wish to play up the both, then I would prefer the 2nd. Isn't the jux for that precise reason...Anyway you choose, it's a powerful senryu. hugs! Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/14/2015 4:08:00 PM Hi Kim! To be honest I was happy with how the first one turned out. Then the 2nd came to mind, but I do not feel like sacrificing one for the other, so eventually I will end by keeping both:) hugs // paul

Angie Thomas Date: 9/13/2015 1:51:00 PM Mother earth is dying... *sigh* i hope things will be a little different in the future.... Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/13/2015 4:38:00 PM Nature has to look after itself, yet very often it has to beware also cruel human treatment! Thank you for giving your preference, Angie:) // paul Angie Thomas Date: 9/13/2015 1:51:00 PM And also, i prefer the second one :)

Arthur Vaso Date: 9/13/2015 12:12:00 AM and being Canadian, how could I not leave you with this! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zey8567bcg Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/13/2015 11:34:00 AM Oh to be a lumberjack!! Enjoyed with a smile:) // paul

Arthur Vaso Date: 9/13/2015 12:09:00 AM well I just have to be different, if I had to chose, be the second as "impassive" to me is the powerful word here. Now as I dont follow form in just about all things, for me the poem would sound great "lie huddled on the ground - impassive" When I read the poem aloud, for me that rings true. Cheers Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/13/2015 11:25:00 AM Hi Arthur! Your version aptly combines the two versions together, giving it a new image, while omitting the cold axe. I like it as well! // Now let me listen to the above link! // paul

Andrea Dietrich Date: 9/10/2015 9:40:00 PM some of my favorite poets are on here supporting the first one as well. Yayyy Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/12/2015 2:06:00 PM Right....I'll give it another week, and then we'll declare the winning version:)) // paul

Jack Horne Date: 9/10/2015 3:33:00 PM well, they both work for me but I think version one is my favourite - clever write, my friend Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 4:38:00 PM Thank you my friend Jack! Always a pleasure to have you dropping by. ~ All the best. // paul

Nette Onclaud Date: 9/10/2015 12:56:00 AM i'll go for no.1 ,paul.. it has more impact, more action...fine write as always. huggs Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 1:40:00 PM Thank you Nette:) It's amazing how a change of just one word can influence the reader! Hugs // paul

Andrea Dietrich Date: 9/9/2015 12:00:00 AM I am drawn to the first one. I enjoy the personification of "huddled." Very nice writing. Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 1:22:00 PM The trees were already huddled, comforting each other, when the strong wind came without mercy. Thank you for reading, and making a choice! // paul

Poet Destroyer A Date: 9/8/2015 8:16:00 PM Oh, no not the axe.... Love it Paul...especially the first Haiku. Grounded well...Linda Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 1:18:00 PM Don't worry Linda...no axe for you:) Thank you for reading and commenting favourably. ~ hugs // paul

Afolabi Muideen Date: 9/8/2015 3:35:00 PM A lovely write......A.M. Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 11:39:00 AM Thank you for revisiting, Afolabi. // paul

Laura Breidenthal Date: 9/8/2015 3:31:00 PM I honestly felt more reading the first one, although the second one, I agree, was more intense to me... the image of the trees huddling pulls on my heartstrings, and I can feel more for the tree... and then in the second one, there is no sign of emotion... and it's rather chilling. All in all both verses were excellent Paul. Thank you for sharing...Always, Laura Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 11:27:00 AM Thank you Laura! Your insightful reasoning is exactly what I had in mind. The word 'huddled' in version1 seeks to draw the reader emotionally closer. The word 'impassive' in version2 applies to both the trees and the woodcutter. ~ Pleased that you enjoyed. Regards // paul

Olive Eloisa Guillermo - Fraser Date: 9/8/2015 8:50:00 AM the second one is certainly much better.. the effect is more intense, Paul.. hugs !~Olive Eloisa Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 11:19:00 AM Thank you for your 'intense' feedback, Olive_eloi! Hugs // paul

Ravi Sathasivam Date: 9/8/2015 8:16:00 AM Excellent. But I prefer second sound better. Thanks for sharing it. Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 11:17:00 AM Thank you for sharing your tastes, Ravi. All the best. // paul

Casarah Nance Date: 9/8/2015 7:14:00 AM The second sounds more Haiku-ish...but I do like the first one better.. Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 11:03:00 AM Thank you for your output, Casarah:) All the best. // paul

Afolabi Muideen Date: 9/8/2015 4:22:00 AM I know nought about haiku Paul, but you descriptive is beautiful and eloquence however the second one seems phenomenally in its beauty...... Love always...........A..M. Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 10:45:00 AM I am pleased that you chose to read and comment in all sincerity, Afolabi:) Thank you! // paul

Connie Marcum Wong Date: 9/8/2015 2:21:00 AM I think I like the second one better Paul. It really makes you feel the power of Mother Nature. Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 10:23:00 AM Thank you Connie; your choice and reasoning are truly appreciated. Regards // paul

Dr. Upma A. Sharma Date: 9/8/2015 1:18:00 AM Love the second one better, lie on ground- impassive,,, lays stress on its breathless life,, as it lies motionless n still ,, very lovely both these Paul! Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 10:26:00 AM Thank you for the insightful comments, Upma:) Have a nice day! // paul

Barbara Gorelick Date: 9/7/2015 10:04:00 PM I like both, but as a haiku I prefer the 1st..the "impassive" in the second makes it more of a senryu...just a thought from someone who knows nothing..lol. BG Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 9:53:00 AM You are absolutely correct, Barbara! In fact, Personification is present in both versions, so that disqualifies them from the haiku form. Thus I am changing the form to Senryu:) ~ All the best:) // paul

Eileen Manassian Date: 9/7/2015 6:38:00 PM Hi, Paul...I'm with Tim on this one...The second line of the first gives more of an emotional appeal to the state of the trees.... ;) huddled...Hugs Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 10:07:00 AM I had no doubt you would go for the first one, Eileen! ~ Hope the weather is lovely in Athens:) hugs // paul

Tim Smith Date: 9/7/2015 6:34:00 PM I definitely prefer the first one Paul. I can picture this happening after a storm. Login to Reply Paul Callus Date: 9/10/2015 10:16:00 AM Thank you for reading and giving your opinion, Tim. All the best. // paul