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Images In Sophisticated Colors - Rewritten, Have Another Go

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Although I like this Haibun, it's far from perfect. I would welcome criticism, in comments, in public, I promise I won't be offended. I am here to learn, grow and improve, and I am eager and curious. So go ahead, don't feel shy! :)

In early morning light I wheel myself outdoors. The vibrating air lively with small dancing aphids. In distance near, that booming sound of crashing waves against the sand, waves with their perpetual wish to walk the shore. Waves, so powerful, so strong yet so dumb, a caged animal wanting to escape. I want to escape the prison that sometimes is me, but not now. The air is fresh, the light is sharp, the wind brings longing and the salty fragrance of jelly fish in their frail beautiful dance in water, so plump and sorrowful in death on the shore.
waltz in ozone sun song of life and love in blue: waves of soothing sea
The beach also represents my love for dance and motion in harmony with nature, The evening light with its orange colours chant words without speech, that only need to find their way into sentences, born in movement. Stars and nightly black guide thoughts into music, where I see me dance the way I once did.
soft water ripples around the wheels, inviting to dance forever
I write down images in sophisticated colours, the eternal dance of fragile mentality, and physical injury, seated here, in the evening shade. Slowly darkness sends away the tangerine sky, covering me with a blanket of warm yellow, and small smithereens of starlight. A myriad specks reflected in the soothingly speaking sea that nibbles at my feet in tender kisses of friendship.
musical shower courage in frail harmony, water in motion.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2017




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Date: 3/8/2017 1:27:00 AM
Darren, I like it even more now. : ) Very nice progressions all though. I think there is value in re-writing, in taking a fresh look at things, perhaps just going over stuff again when we're in a different mood, less tired, etc. "the wind brings longing and shrimp" - this sounds awkward to me. "A myriad specs.." - better as "Myriad specks... reflect"? And perhaps combine those last two prose sentences/phrases?
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Doug Vinson
Date: 3/8/2017 9:21:00 PM
"A myriad" is also entirely correct. : ) Nothing wrong with short sentences or phrases or sentence fragments in poetry - surely it's what sounds best, individually case-by-case.
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Darren White
Date: 3/8/2017 1:32:00 AM
Oh, it's specks! Lol, I must have written that wrongly in so many poems! (people please point me at wrongly written words). I have a preference for short sentences, but in this case I think I agree... I'll combine them. The 'A' before myriad I keep there, for some reason I just need it there :) The shrimp... I'll elaborate to make it more logical.
Date: 3/4/2017 3:59:00 AM
Darren I think we challenge ourselves when writing poetry re- style, form, syllable count etc. But if what we write entertains the writer and the reader that is all that matters, I know what I like and I absolutely love this poem, a 7 and fav, Roy.
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Darren White
Date: 3/4/2017 4:05:00 AM
Wow Roy, thank you SO much, for the comment, the 7 and the fav :) I especially asked people for criticism, they did, and that cause almost the entire poem (with the exception of the first prose part) to be rewritten. Your comment tells me I made the right choice.
Date: 3/4/2017 1:35:00 AM
I have rewritten large parts of it, Doug and Taai, not just the text, also the haikus. Have a look now? I want to thank you both for taking the time to comment the way you did. It's highly appreciated, this way I can learn and improve :)
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Date: 3/3/2017 11:28:00 AM
1. Well done, Darren. I am a great expert on Haibun, and... Just kidding - I didn't know what the term meant until today. Sounded like a return to a certain hairstyle of decades back, as where bees could live. I really like this haibun - the haikus resonate nicely with the prose that comes before them, and the reader is taken on a journey with you throughout.
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Doug Vinson
Date: 3/3/2017 7:16:00 PM
7. Was thinking of "highbun," sort of. Like a beehive hairdo. In 6 I mean that the "is nothing" in the 2nd paragraph seems to negate some of the first paragraph, and then the next sentence turns around and seems somewhat contradictory, yet again.
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Darren White
Date: 3/3/2017 11:41:00 AM
Hairbun LOL... There's my Doug, I missed the numbered essays my friend! You say good things there, I'll revise the whole this weekend, thanks so much. It makes a lot of sense with the exception perhaps of 6. That one I am not sure I completely understand :)
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Doug Vinson
Date: 3/3/2017 11:33:00 AM
2. Lots of good stuff - "jelly fish in their frail beautiful dance in water, so plump and sorrowful in death on the shore." Indeed - that is the shape of sorrow. I am loathe to "criticize" here, because as so often the reader may feel that something could or should be changed - but is that only because the reader would have done it differently?
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Doug Vinson
Date: 3/3/2017 11:32:00 AM
3. Yet there is one sequence that struck me - "My love for the beach is nothing compared to my love for dance, music and poetry. Still, the beach also represents those feelings so well," There is the first prose section, and the first haiku. Then, to say "My love for the beach is nothing compared..." - I think this is too much of a decline for your love of the beach.
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Doug Vinson
Date: 3/3/2017 11:31:00 AM
4. Rather then say "is nothing," there, how about something like, "Greater still is my love for dance, music and poetry"? Or, "Even greater than my feeling for the beach is my love of ...." That also avoids using the word "love" so many times in close succession. Nothing against that one word, specifically, just that I think it usually sounds better to avoid so many repetitions of any word.
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Doug Vinson
Date: 3/3/2017 11:30:00 AM
5. If the "is nothing" is too much a decline, then "Still, the beach also represents those feelings so well," feels to me like a rather harsh rebound. As if - the first prose section and haiku exist, and then the reader is told, "But wait - that's nothing compared to my love for..." And then, "But wait - the beach also represents those feelings so well."
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Doug Vinson
Date: 3/3/2017 11:29:00 AM
6. If - and this is certainly just my opinion - if the reader is jerked downwards by the "is nothing," then the "Still,..." feels like it's being contradictory back the other way, jerking the reader back partway up. So, if I have a suggestion here, it would be something like, "The beach has essences of dance, music, and poetry, which are my even greater loves."
Date: 3/2/2017 8:05:00 PM
You take us to the beach to explore it's natural beauty and to the sky in all of it's wonderful colors and to the dark thoughts that are mastered with your beautiful poetry. Love this one my friend <3
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Darren White
Date: 3/2/2017 11:36:00 PM
I knew you'd love this one, beach lover just like I am :) <3
Date: 3/2/2017 1:59:00 PM
A lovely picture, dear Darren!
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Darren White
Date: 3/2/2017 2:00:00 PM
Thank you, Kim :)
Date: 3/2/2017 1:31:00 PM
A beautiful scence
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Darren White
Date: 3/2/2017 1:45:00 PM
I love this poem, thank you so much for your comment Tim :)

Book: Reflection on the Important Things