I'm just trying to Survive

I'm really, REALLY tired. I'm grasping at straws. I've lost myself. I'm alone so often, I've got nowhere I can go. I try to talk to people but I know I'm just bumming them out. I didn't want to be like this. I wanted to be able to laugh with my friends. I wanted to feel courageous. I wanted to be loved. I let myself be so unloved by someone that now all anyone sees in me is a coward. Someone who just should have said "no" or "that's not okay". I know what you're thinking okay? You just weren't there. God - I get it - you're judging, But you don't feel what I feel. You didn't say "no" for him to ignore you before. You don't hear your name shouted from another room and tremble. You don't worry what the next thing you'll do wrong will be and how you'll fix it before it's too late. I want to tell him I'm done. I want to be strong. But I also want to survive. So you can call yourself a "feminist", Then you can turn around and judge me for being in love with someone who isn't who I thought he was - But I'm not "promoting" this. I'm not "OK" with it because I didn't speak my mind. I'm trying to survive. We all are trying to survive. When you see her following behind him with her head down; When you see him scream at her; When you decide you're going to say something because she's too much of a coward to: Remember this. When it gets this bad we don't leave after saying "it's over babe, see ya". We leave in the middle of the night. We pack everything we can carry and run, And we just hope he doesn't find out where. So you can judge her for "staying" with him. And you can tell me again how I should grow some balls and just leave. I've packed my things and had them hidden in the closet for months. I'm trying. If you would stop judging me and just ask what I need I'd believe you're a feminist. If I felt like you were actually listening. If I felt like anybody actually cared id believe in it. I thought women were supposed to support women - But as soon as you fall victim to the cycle, And he's hit you but you're scared to leave and you think maybe you still love him, They're all against you. They won't listen when you explain how you feel. They'll just tell you what you should have done, Who you should have been, And how maybe it's your fault because you didn't speak up for yourself. They hit us for using our voices. Not because we didn't. I told you; We're just trying to survive.