I’m,,,? Actually I don’t know anymore

It's that part of the year again, How many times has this happened? When did it start? I can’t remember. When my mind rages like a storm-tossed sea, And I sit, helpless, drowning, In waves that crash harder each time, Every time believing it's my last, Every time thinking I've survived, But I’m just left sinking, gasping. I am unchecked, I urge myself to seek therapy, To find some beacon, some guide, But at the end of the day, I am defiant, I refuse to let anyone invade my mind, Because it's mine, And I feel what I want to feel. But what if it comes to a breaking point, Where I'm overwhelmed, Left with weeks of emptiness? Or where one emotion devours all others? I searched for a name for this, Emotional impermanence, they called it. I am unchecked, I don't know if I have it, but it feels like I can’t remember feeling the last time I was happy or loved all of a sudden. I was laughing yesterday? But why does it feel like I’ve never laughed in my life? Each wave is becoming more brutal than the last, I need my ritual. A cycle, a routine, barely holding me together. If I break this routine, I feel like dying, Vanish for a while, Return, Isolate, Erase myself from everything, Rot. Rot. Rot. Rot. Rot. Rot until my friends notice the disappearance, Rot until my parents notices the irregularity, Rot until someone pries me from my bed, my wished coffin, And only then do I feel a flicker of worth, When someone seeks me out. When someone sigs me out of my grave. When someone pulls the plug and lets the waters drain. Then I can breathe. But when can they come? I need someone, I’m so tired of feeling cast aside, I don’t want to forget how it feels to be happy.