I'Ll Edit This and Myself In Maybe Land Meaning Never

Why are the photos you take of me unflattering? The truth is there, I look like that But is it your lens - absolute evidence of what you see... I appear in flickers from elsewhere, a vision I don't recognise Hearing the words 'our' before my name That yearning I have for belonging leaping from my body, I almost collapse from existing beyond myself I hear when value is placed on me and I try and judge that person out of existence - are they just polite, desperate, a fool, mistaken... but I don't spend my time with fools, I spend time with people I respect (perhaps I can accuse them of being tolerant) It makes it very hard, the threshold of validation for me to hear something is so high - but it happens (internal screams occur that I am vain and demanding - possible truth although coupled so closely with self loathing I'm surprised I can stand) I'm misjudged here Pushed to be useful I push away from being useful as I need to find intrinsic value in myself So I test the boundaries But I'm always still here Just out of favour I tried to look nice yesterday, my little girl noticed and she cuddled me whilst admiring every little detail (which my mind was still judging against, but I kept to myself) The photos found flaws - I found flaws I wanted the lens to see me, his lens But his judgement mirrors my own Makes truths out of inner dialogue Or maybe I do that I need to re-examine the evidence Know that more than one thing can be simultaneously true I am loved Can I even type it? I am liked - it brings tears to my eyes for I don't feel it and he doesn't say it The dog has sought me out, he's not allowed on this holiday bed but I've let him stay The casting of judgement - I'm surrounded by it, made it my job (is it worse to be deemed fair in my judgement?) I just felt like a nice photo would make it better, but I didn't tell anyone I don't ask for what I need But inside I'm screaming now and I'm getting on my own nerves, so I'm staying out of the way But that looks very indulgent of me Even if I were to explain, it wouldn't get me far My narrative is getting too loud I'll eat chocolate maybe I need to examine that too Shut up poem, you've had enough airtime I'm getting up and leaving you here Separating me from my usefulness There's a value in that Hopefully I can leave my silent screams in this dark room