Eileen Manassian Poet Free verse

If I Were Stronger

If I were stronger
I’d say a permanent goodbye
To life
To strife
To misery
To pain
Ah…..the pain

No, it’s too hard
Too damn hard
Too hard
Damn
Damn 
Hard

They tell me to be grateful
For all that I have
And I am
I am
But they don’t see
They don’t hear
The voice inside
That torments me
The demon of my failures
That accuses me
I’m not good enough
I was never good enough
For the world
For myself
For you

Perfectionist’s nightmare
Striving for the ideal
But all I see
Are broken people
Cracked hearts
Baggage not willing to be let off
At any station
Because though it is so heavy to carry
It's familiar
It offers "security"

No, life is too hard
Pills help
Friends help
Family help
God helps
But what is the use
When I tear down
With my own hands
I tear down
Walls of comfort
Of love
I bleed
I grieve
For the woman I used to be
The woman with dreams
Ideals
Walking along the rosy pathways
Of life
Not seeing the thorns
Believing
Always believing
That true love
Will win the day

There is no TRUE love
I challenge you
Find me the source
Tell me where it abides
Where it hides
Tell me
IF you know
If you can honestly say
Your heart has never been torn
If you can look me in the eye
And say you have never lied
You have never strayed
Never betrayed
With your heart
Your words
Someone who loved you
To distraction
And beyond

Forgive me….
It’s nighttime
I’m weak
I wait for the dawn to come
When I can swallow the pill
That brings me happiness
Makes the world that rosy place
Where I can again dance
And smile
And yet I know in my heart
It’s not really me
There is a me no one sees
The woman behind the face
In a lonely place
Longing...

To say goodbye

Eileen Manassian Ghali

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Mama Bear April 1, 2014 at 8:13 AM I feel your pain and know where you come from Someone once said to me that if I am happy everyone else around me will be happy. Find your happy my dear. It will make it unneccesary for medication because you will be high on life. Laugh everyday even if it is at trivial stuff It makes you become more of who you really are. Being silly is not just for children We have the child in us and need to let it laugh out loud God is always there to bring your smiles to the fore. Edith/Mamabear Eileen Manassian April 1, 2014 at 8:15 AM Oh Mama Bear!!! Bless you for this sweet post. I wrote this in a very very dark time in my life. I feel things deeply. Oh...but I also know how to laugh and be silly! ;) Yes, we need to live each day as the gift that God meant for it to be. I do thank you with my heart and send you hugs. :)

Lucilla Carrillo March 29, 2014 at 11:07 AM Eileen; What a great poem. Sometimes looks are deceiving. We all hide a little of ourselves inside. I have always looked at you like a very happy go lucky girl. Stay that way and don't say goodbye...Lucilla Eileen Manassian April 1, 2014 at 8:17 AM Oh Lucilla, I do have my moments when I'm just bubbling and happy...exuberant, but yes, I do have my dark times as well. People are surprised when I share that I struggle with depression. This is life. We all have something to deal with. Thanks for visiting...and no...I'll try not to say goodbye for as LONG as I can! Hugs

Richard D Seal March 26, 2014 at 7:16 PM You have written an excellent expression of the feelings and thoughts that bring people to that lonely place, I just hope someone with this amount of understanding never goes there. Take care Richard Eileen Manassian April 1, 2014 at 8:20 AM Yes, Richard. I hear you. I hear you, my dear. May it never come to that. No...have no fear. I have not the courage to pull it off. I'm afraid I'll be around a bit longer to torment and tease you! Hugs! :) Oh...and thanks for being there!

Anne Rutherford March 25, 2014 at 5:01 PM Eileen , been there and most of what you have said in this heartfelt poem, since my husband died I have felt like this way too often .I get up and tell myself what I have to do for the day, some days it's hard but you have to get to the next day . Hugs A friend in poetry . Anne Eileen Manassian March 26, 2014 at 1:07 PM Anne...so sorry to learn that you have gone through such a devastating loss in your life. I hope that you find strength for each new day. Sometimes...all we can hope for...is strength to get through one day. As the song goes..."One day at a time, sweet Jesus...that's all I'm asking of you....Help me today...show me the way...one day at a time." Thank you for your kindness.

Funom Makama March 25, 2014 at 4:07 PM as always.. An excellent poem and very lovely. Thanks a lot for the share Eileen Manassian March 26, 2014 at 1:10 PM You are so sweet and kind to share these sentiments with me, Funom. I thank you!!

Honestly J.T. March 25, 2014 at 1:52 PM You know, my favorite verse in the Bible is 1st John 4:10. Well, what do you want at the end of the day? That's the advice I've been given. Good poem - JT Eileen Manassian March 26, 2014 at 1:13 PM Thanks for sharing, JT. Lovely verse. I love Paul's writing..."Who can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. " You know, we often think of that verse that says...."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Did you know, JT..that the verse RIGHT before that says..."Yet it was good for you to share with me in my suffering." We need human fellowship and love. Thank you for visiting and posting.

Donna Jones March 25, 2014 at 12:48 PM Hey you...yes we've all been there done that....love ya girl.....when you feel better maybe you can see how I did trying out your new eileenesque form....I really tried....but tell me how I did...:-) :-) :-) Donna Jones March 25, 2014 at 3:59 PM Hey coming back round with a mama hug and hope you are feeling better sweetie...MD

Paul Callus March 25, 2014 at 12:07 PM Eileen...life on earth can never be perfect, however hard we try. But we can strive to be the best we can...help and care for others, while receiving in return. We can dream, but we can not live in a dream. And that is why we suffer pain, doubt and lonely moments. Yes, you have every right to feel the way you do, but I know that you will rise up...as always :) // paul Eileen Manassian March 26, 2014 at 1:15 PM I believe in reciprocity, Paul.....you know, a nice balance. When the balance becomes UNbalanced...pain ensures. Thank you for your visit, and for your words of encouragement. I'm doing a bit better.

Demetrios Trifiatis March 25, 2014 at 11:40 AM My dearest Eileen, is that YOU? Is there love you ask, OF COURSE there is You are LOVE! GOD IS LOVE ( St John, epist. 1, chapter 4 ,verses 7, 16, Your poem an explosion of a human is, all of us go through periods of doubting ourselves but the fact we are doubting proves that we are growing up, asking for new things,but this is normal, this is life! All the answers are deep inside you as God is inside you , as love is inside you, as your friends who love you are there . You never alone! Eileen Manassian March 26, 2014 at 1:06 PM Nai...Nai...ego emai...E treli...Ma kseries aufto. Thank you, my dear poet...for lifting my spirits. You do it so well. You are so kind, so compassionate, so empathetic. May the Lord bless you and keep you, May He make His face to shine upon you...and give you His peace. Efkharisto....

Richard Lamoureux March 25, 2014 at 9:47 AM There can be no true comfort that comes from pills. I have known these dark thoughts. I am saddened to know you struggle with these emotions. Saying goodbye will only lead to darkness, allow yourself to be lifted with hands of light. Hugs Rick. Richard Lamoureux March 25, 2014 at 10:26 AM I think I might have misinterpreted the second expression of pill as a suicidal fantasy. Upon rereading it I think I understand what you were expressing. Richard Lamoureux March 25, 2014 at 10:22 AM I was reffering to overdosing not the taking of medication. I think medication is important. If it is not working it is important to see your doctor. I wrote a Pantoum that was inspired by your poem Eileen. Eileen Manassian March 25, 2014 at 10:01 AM No, that is true. I am trying to cut back, but sometimes anti-depressants are ordered by doctors. We will see how I go. It's been some years...I'm trying to lessen the dose. I think everyone goes through dark periods. Some of us cope better than others. Thank you for stopping by.

Sandip Goswami March 25, 2014 at 4:09 AM Dear , You are the best in the world...Don't worry...Every problem has natural solution...All is Well...Best wishes from India... Eileen Manassian March 25, 2014 at 10:01 AM Thank you for your kindness, Sandip. It is greatly appreciated.

Poet Tacito March 24, 2014 at 11:50 PM (hug) That's all I have for now. I am an email away. Eileen Manassian March 25, 2014 at 1:48 AM That's all I need....thanks. It helps

Ilene Bauer March 24, 2014 at 8:39 PM oh, eileen! this is so so sad! it's beautifully written (as is everything you write) but my heart aches for you. i hope that you are able to find some true happiness because i think we'd all love the real you, despite what you might think... Eileen Manassian March 24, 2014 at 8:40 PM Thanks, Ilene. I'm not in a very good place right now. It will pass....it always does. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. hugs