I Know What I'M Doing

"go on" I dared myself So I did Booked an extra ticket for my Mum "She'll love it" said my brain "What if people break bones, you crash on the way, you forget the tickets, someone wears the wrong clothes... or you can't handle it" said something from the brain area Logic joined in "she's a bit frail and confused and you are putting her at the top of an icy hill and expecting her to slide down in a rubber ring aged 78 with no experience of such things" Obviously this did unnerve me a bit, being quite a valid point "You know stuff" said my brain I could have done with elaboration as I add "am I evil?" The answer is no I'm not She's absolutely up for adventure, is nimble and needs a bit of excitement, I knew for a fact she'd be unphased But I doubted myself She loved it, had way more goes on stuff than me or the children and she didn't care that she didn't really know what was going on, step 1, 2 and 3 have someone to remind you as you go She went up the wrong hill ("Mum, Mum, Muum" to no avail), they just showed her a short cut across at the top She takes out a few ankles dragging the rubber ring, no one's telling an old lady off who hasn't noticed She goes off course, falls out, rolls (!), she gets up and brushes herself off I'm proud of this version of her, her sense of adventure is a super power Then I dropped her off at a tram stop at a location unknown to her to avoid match day traffic and told her that would take her home On she gets, text message a bit later "I'm home" It's not the anguish and heart ache and responsibility I paint That's because this is the model that skirts round it that I did for years Where I don't go in, I don't dig deeper, we just have moments of joy - I can do this I've not done the 19 page forms on power of attorney even though I know capacity is teetering I will attend the appointments but I don't like the me that goes Monday might be diagnosis day I've not reminded her I think I kind of hoped flying down an icy hill at high speed might kick start something and it might... A jolt to compensate for all the days she stays in bed all day with depression and apathy I think that's why I let her find her way home, if she has to think it might knock something loose and buy us time I'm not evil I just can't do a ton of the stuff but can do other bits I know where joy comes from and it's not from the me who does dutiful things (though I must do those) She's so cute and brave - I'm sure it could have taken her far, I think it did several times over My brain is hurried and distracted now I've lost my point I put the video on Facebook, she'll love her friends congratulating her on her daring I need to do more of this If I fill the album with this I can fill the gaps She mentioned needing money for the tram, was she angling for cash for a drink? Maybe not but I closed it down with here's your ticket My eyes are closed again, maybe I'll dream up an adventure She's cute "Hey Mum, I've got a suitcase full of wigs, do you want to pick one for the party, it's fancy dress?" the answer is yes "Hey Mum, there's a group going on a coach trip, shall I book you on?" Yes "Hey Mum... please don't get that can" "I'll just have one." Why does it run through my brain? I'll change. I'll ensure the set up has no cans. Just memories. We have the theatre in a few weeks, she's forgotten the last time but I remember, it was Mrs Doubtfire and she loved it, I was worried she wouldn't follow the story line but she was rooting for the Robin Williams character, laughing away "Hey Mum, I parked my car a 30 minute walk away at my works car park, is that ok?" Yes! She doesn't complain We'll just do our best, I'll stop wasting time figuring out my head. I hope I will.