Caren Krutsinger | + Follow Poet |
Dramatic Monologue | + Fav Poem | Comment | Email | Print |

I Cannot Go Out There Yet

I will try tomorrow, I tell myself when the phone rings.
The answering machine is full, which makes me grateful.
A relief.
My sister is always checking up.
What does she think I am doing? Dying in here?
I laugh, knowing she will not drive the forty-two minutes it
takes to find out.

I figure she has befriended my nosy neighbor to try 
and get my body out before it starts to rot.
I do not have a cellphone or a computer.
I do not have a TV set.
Too fearful of big brother.

Books are my companions.
I used to have a cat, but my fears are worsening.
I do not go outside any more. Have not been out there
for three years, maybe.  Possibly six.

Amazon boxes come. I eat cereal mostly, with
powdered milk. Only opening the door to get them
inside if no one is in the hallway.  If someone is, I
do not bother. 

I pick up my book and begin to read.
I know I should call the gas company.
It must be a mistake but I do not feel like speaking
to a human today.

I will try tomorrow.
There is a knock on the door.
My heart begins beating triple time.
I imagine them coming in here.
I can hear it in my ears.
I sit quietly, not daring to turn the page,
for fear they will hear.

Footsteps leave.  Probably the lady my sister
befriended.  I do not even know her name,
all I know is that I do not like her.  I turn the
page only after I am confident no one can hear.

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M. L. Kiser Date: 12/21/2018 10:32:00 AM Ah, the lure of books...oops, too luring...okay after three years, nothing but reading, you should be pale, blind and anemic. Interesting take on agoraphobia. Really though, you can go outside in warm weather to read. Login to Reply

Rhona Mcferran Date: 12/20/2018 5:09:00 PM This is great... perfect self-portrait of an agoraphobic! Login to Reply Caren Krutsinger Date: 12/20/2018 6:16:00 PM I feel like this sometimes, not so happy when it is the police, and I see their flashlights and I know I had better open up as they are pounding on the window. This happened to me 3 times in one week as I was "new" to the idea of an alarm system when I opened the door for a dog.