Eileen Manassian | + Follow Poet |
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Heart and Soul

I see…
red splotches on her night gown
still oozing down her face
“I fell again.”
She looks at us
with that same wobbly smile
“I’m Ok! Don’t worry. I’m OK!”
I can’t see
a clear liquid oozes down my face

I see…
Mama is dazed
clutching her face
Couldn’t light the stove fast enough
An explosion
We thought a bomb had hit the kitchen
War time years
Everyone running around 
Mayhem
Mama burned her face
“I’m Ok…I’m fine.”
She tries to smile
I scream
I can’t see clearly
watery haze of tears
covers everything
along with the smoke

I see…
Mama gasping for breath
Mama going red in the face
“Mom, are you ok?”
Another coughing fit
Can’t get the food to go down
I pat her on the back
I pray…
Will this be it?
Will she choke this time?
Muscles that don't work
I see
I see
I cry
I scream
Raspy voice
Tears streaming down her face
I’m…Ok…..I'm OK now."
That lying smile
Her hand goes up
I can’t see
Double tear vision
Life is unclear

I hear
I hear
“You’re afraid I’m going to die, aren't you?”
I see
Kind brown eyes
Looking into mine
They are filling up
the wobbly smile is gone
she lets her tears speak
Oh….to talk to talk about it
Release
What can I say?
What can she say?
We feel
We feel
She crushes my body to hers
Neither of us can see
Blinded by tears

I see
Clouded eyes
She’s in a place I can’t reach
I shake
I shake
“Mama, can you hear me?”
She tries
I cry
I scream
ANGRY
I SCREAM
“Mama, listen to me!”

“GOD?
God…HEAL HER!!!
HEAL HER!
NOW!
A miracle
For ME!"

I beg
I plead
I demand

“Mama, do you believe?
Jesus can heal you!
Do you believe?”
“Yes,” a whisper
Almost inaudible
I pray
I can't see
Eyes of mustard seed faith
Shut tight
“Forgive our sins!
In the name of Jesus
Be healed, Mama!”
Eye lids fluttering open
I see
I see 
Mama is still on the wheel chair
She’s bound…not free
I don’t see anymore
My head drops to my knees

I get dizzy
I drop things
In the shower
I fall
Cracked ribs
I cry
I scream
Alone
I hear
I hear
“You have MS TOO!
It has come for YOU!”
I can’t see
Shower water mixes with tears

“God?!
GOD?
Do you SEE?
DO you HEAR?
DO you FEEL?
GOD?
I’m here!
I’m….here!
No wobbly smile
No one to be strong for
I'm not alright!
See me!
SEE....ME!"

Eileen Manassian
In dedication to her MAMA, Angel Manassian!

Copyright © Eileen Manassian | Year Posted 2014

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Kabuteng P.Ink K. Date: 9/7/2014 11:23:00 AM soupmail Login to Reply

Kabuteng P.Ink K. Date: 9/4/2014 11:16:00 AM Your title is indeed very fitting for this heartfelt poem, you put your heart and soul here, feels like your mom is a big part of your heart and soul. I've been in that place, I mentioned my mom in one of your blogs and her brain tumor and other ailments, it's almost a year now since her successful brain surgery. We all lose people we love here on earth, but Never in our hearts. It touches me, how you never lost that faith. I want to say so much more, maybe next time, just giving you big hugs! Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/6/2014 4:35:00 PM Nikko...Thanks for your comments on the poem about my MAMA. So so sweet of you. I'm so happy that you still have your Mama with you! :) Mothers are treasures, indeed. Sending you big hugs.

Kabuteng P.Ink K. Date: 9/4/2014 11:10:00 AM This is one poem that gripped me, these events unfolding before my eyes, and I can't help but think of my own flashbacks with my mom as I read this very moving and very Real account of you and your mom. I felt that mix of emotions roiling through you, that struggle, that Need to cling on to God. In some ways, it was like I felt my own heart slowing down as I read each line, hoping, hoping that everything would have turned out fine, but I know she is your Angel now, watching over you...contd Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/6/2014 4:36:00 PM XOXOXOXOXO....I hoped and hoped for a different ending, but it was not meant to be during this life time. A better day is coming. Hugs to you.

Charmaine Chircop Date: 9/2/2014 4:36:00 PM Sorry for typos..Typingwith one hand and putting Christie to sleep Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 4:43:00 PM ;) Bless your heart. Bless the little one. Bless your life...as you bless mine. Hugs

Charmaine Chircop Date: 9/2/2014 4:32:00 PM Cont-..I do believe the soulof mama surrounds you..Its the body which is gone.momentarily...Her soul is with yoi..Part of her dna inside you,and soon You see face to face..Hugs.Your poem along with ylur mama goes to my favorites-A big hug Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 4:42:00 PM She would have loved you, Charma.

Charmaine Chircop Date: 9/2/2014 4:26:00 PM Ow my my dear sweet Eileen ..I love your mama without knowing her,She must be a beautiful anfel yp there in heaven,and an amazing soul with.us on earth.Sweet Eileen,your mama s mission was accomplished,She carried Her cross with faith and love ,I do believe all of us will have crosses.to test our faith in life.One of your painful crosses was to see your beloved mum ill and then not healed..But sweet Eileen,I know your faith,I know you believe in better times which will come to all of us soon Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 4:41:00 PM Charma...you brought the tears! I'm crying. Your post...thank you. I miss her. I miss her. People used to call her Sunshine. She always had a smile, even....I'm crying. I'm sorry. I can't write more. I just want to thank you for being a soul sister to me. My believe system tells me that she is asleep. The Bible says there is no thought or recollection to the grave where we go. The breath of life goes to the father. The body to dust, but when Jesus comes...then, as Paul says in Thessalonians...the dead in Christ will rise and we who remain will be caught up with them in the air and we will be forever with the Lord. By HIS grace I will see her live and well and happy and running and singing and no longer bound to a wheel chair. I'm overcome. Thank you.....

Aiyah Torres Date: 9/2/2014 3:46:00 PM My sweet Eilee, I long to see your wonderful poem! .. GLad that I was able to return home.... I'm happy to see your comment... Hush! you made a great job here... amazing!! ^_^ big hugs,.. Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 4:47:00 PM Thanks, Aiyah...Good to "see" you again. Good to know you are ok! Hugs

Richard Lamoureux Date: 9/2/2014 1:44:00 PM For me this speaks to me on so many levels and is relevant across race, generation, male and female. It speaks to the essence of our humanity and the importance of our significant relationships and how they influence and form the people we become. Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 4:46:00 PM You are right, Richard. Thank you for your faith in this piece. It is getting coverage and I'm happy. The other one is more in the lane of the contest sponsor. This will stay a dedication. Hugs

Richard Lamoureux Date: 9/2/2014 1:09:00 PM As good as the other one is, for me this one reaches to the core of your emotion. Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 1:15:00 PM Richard...I knew you'd go for this one. I'm torn.

Brenda Meier-Hans Date: 9/2/2014 12:08:00 PM OMG. Your poem tears me up. So sad. Thank you for sharing something so horrendous with us and I hope it helps you heal a little more. Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 12:11:00 PM Thanks, Brenda. I have several poems about my MAMA! It was a test for faith for our whole family, but if we have faith only when things go well, what kind of faith is that. I remember running out of church during a service because someone was talking about miraculous healing and I was sitting there thinking....Why not Mama? Why didn't you heal her? I walked up and down the street outside church crying...It still brings tears, but I know a better day is coming for us. Hugs, and thanks for reading this.

Regina Mcintosh Date: 9/2/2014 12:41:00 AM Wow. This is just so good. I hope you win. Love and prayers, Gina Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 5:41:00 AM Thanks, Regina. I'm glad to have your empathy. This was a tough piece to write. I'm not sure yet about the contest. Will see how I go.

Robert Lindley Date: 9/1/2014 11:00:00 PM My friend this great write struck me ever so deeply. As a poetess you have a rare gift to reach so deeply the emotions of your readers! This one is a true gem!! Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 5:43:00 AM Thank you so much, Robert, for your post on my Heart and Soul. My Mama was a special woman, and my love for her is ever with me. Bless you.

Connie Marcum Wong Date: 9/1/2014 10:54:00 PM Thank you for your post script. This poem is heartfelt and beautifully written. So sorry you had to lose your mother to this horrible disease. Blessings, Connie Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 5:45:00 AM Thank you for your kind words on my poem, Connie. My mother is always with me, in my heart. I know that all will be well one day. It gives me hope. I don't know how I could bear the thought of never seeing her again. Bless you.

Ilene Bauer Date: 9/1/2014 7:37:00 PM very powerful, eileen! you've bared your soul with this poem and i was absolutely riveted reading it... Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 5:47:00 AM Thanks, Ilene. It is long, but I had to somehow get the pain involved in the different stages of the disease. I remember one Christmas when Mama was totally unresponsive. We though she wouldn't make it. We had to perform in a Christmas program while Dad stayed with her and it was the saddest Christmas ever...then, a day later, she just came back to us. One whole day was completely lost to her. It was so strange...Thanks for being riveted. It helps to talk about it. Hugs.

Faye Gibson Date: 9/1/2014 4:30:00 PM This is a powerful, emotional write, Eileen. I have read several really good ones for the contest. Richard's is; check it out if you haven't read it. Best wishes to you. I have not received your mail. Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 5:48:00 AM Thanks ever so much, Faye. Yes, I did read Richard's. He has a book out by that title, DUMMY. I am well acquainted with his story and still, when I read a new poem, it bothers me so much that anyone had to go through that. Yes, I will post an email soon. Thanks! :)

Carolyn Devonshire Date: 9/1/2014 10:47:00 AM Dear Eileen, this poem had me at the edge of my seat. How sad it was to learn she had MS and that it could be an ailment that plagues her daughter too. If this is written from personal experience, my heart goes out to you. If not, you have created quite an emotional write for Charlotte's contest. Wishing you success, dear. Love, Carolyn Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/2/2014 5:51:00 AM Yes, Carolyn. This is from a personal experience. I don't have MS...at least, I don't think I do, but it doesn't take the fear away. If I get clumsy, fall, or have blurred vision for a bit, I think....that's it, I've got MS. I feel bad for my Mama. She was a dear sweet romantic soul. I'm just like her in so many ways. I hope that she would be proud of me!

Sara Kendrick Date: 9/1/2014 9:39:00 AM An illness that strikes one when they have seen their loved one go through it to the end is a very hard plight..I can feel the pain..I have seen Alzheimer's hit in my husband's family and mine..I have seen two generations of HD go to the end and see the third generation dealing with the emotions of the fact that he has the gene and this reminds me again of the pain..Thanks for the visit to my page..Sara Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/1/2014 9:48:00 AM Thank you for the visit, Sara. I don't have MS. Not that I now of, but I've read the books....I watch for symptoms. I'm sorry that you have had to go through a similar experience. Unlike HD...no conclusive link to heredity has been found, though it's thought that is more likely for daughters of Mothers with MS to get it than sons. May God help you as you deal with these health issues. Love...

Dr. Upma A. Sharma Date: 9/1/2014 8:22:00 AM Eileen such a touching write it is,, I m all tears my friend , how cud I share with u my feelings words r less! MS is a terrible ds we all know,, courage can only fight, u really hv put heart n soul into this masterpiece,, perfect title my sweet friend! Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/1/2014 9:51:00 AM Thank you, Dr Upma. I am my mother's daughter in so many ways. I miss the fact that I couldn't enjoy her for too long because of the onset of the illness and the age difference. I knew she loved me. I'm grateful that she could live as long as she did, and only when I could pray for God's will to be done...and not selfishly for him to prolong her life, did she finally rest. Hugs

Ravi Sathasivam Date: 9/1/2014 7:02:00 AM I share tears and my sorrow with you my friend. A heartfelt write. R.I.P Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/1/2014 9:51:00 AM Ravi...thank you for this visit and post. Thank you for your sympathetic heart.

Richard Lamoureux Date: 9/1/2014 6:13:00 AM Thank you Eileen, I pray the same for you with MS. This piece has resulted in some heartfelt comments. Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/1/2014 9:52:00 AM We all carry scars.

Maurice Yvonne Date: 9/1/2014 1:37:00 AM a difficult but well executed write. God Bless You. it was a great read because we could share a grain of your pain. maybe if we all take one grain of sand it will reduce the size of the beach. love always and of course always an available ear. Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/1/2014 9:52:00 AM That is what friends are for...to offer a shoulder to cry on. Thank you, Maurice.

Justin Bordner Date: 9/1/2014 1:07:00 AM Faith of a steel rose you are my Beloved Poetess. Your Mother gave you so much courage, courage to pray, to cry, to be tall against formidable pain. I share tears with you tonight Eileen. When I was a child I watched and shared so very deeply in my own Mother's terrifying suffering. May your strong Mother R.I.P. Justin Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/1/2014 1:10:00 AM Justin...she made me the woman I am today. She believed in me. Believed in my writing ability. Taught me to love words....and taught me to be strong. I miss her. I'm so glad you've come to solace my heart with this post. Thank you for sharing my tears, Justin. Thank you for understand my heart. Bless you.

Richard Lamoureux Date: 8/31/2014 10:13:00 PM I am so moved. As you know com my book a part of me has the same fear around Alzheimer's. Still we cannot live our days in shadows. We are children of light. This is a profoundly emotional piece. Hugs to you Eileen. Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/1/2014 1:17:00 AM We have been called to sing the praise of Him who has called us out of he darkness into His wonderful light! :) Amen. Thank you, Richard. We will always carry these thoughts with us. One of the reasons I only had one child was that I wanted to get tested for MS. I didn't want any child of mine to life through what I did. I never go the courage to test for it. Medication helps me not focus on death and dying so much now. I pray that Alz will never touch your beautiful mind. Hugs

Hija De La Luna Date: 8/31/2014 10:06:00 PM this is a soul-searing write. i am humbled reading this today. thank you. and i admire the faith in the post script. Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 9/1/2014 1:22:00 AM Thank you, Hija de la luna. She didn't lose her faith over it...and neither will I. God understands our questioning and our little rants. Glad you read this piece, though it is a rather long one. Will be to see you soon.

Eileen Manassian Date: 8/31/2014 9:53:00 PM Post Script: Mom had me when she was 41 years old. Surprise! The bigger surprise was when she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. She was a devout believer, a pastor’s wife who accompanied him to Iran. I prayed for healing. I watched my dad carry her on his back as he rushed her to the bomb shelter during the war in Lebanon. In the end, she couldn’t even care for her basic needs and dad would do everything for her. She would pray for death and at the right time, God granted her request. Login to Reply Eileen Manassian Date: 8/31/2014 9:54:00 PM It’s been fourteen years now. I still don’t see at times because of the tears. I don’t have answers, but I know one day I will get them. One day He will explain why. One day I will see her well again. Free!!! I will SEE...and yes, I'm sure even then the tears will blind me...tears of JOY!