Grandpa

Grandpa Jim 8/11/17- 2/2/00 First day of fall, I will always think of fall as a celebration of you. It was your season. You always sat back in the chilly , misty mornings of September to appreciate your labors. I will always see you sitting on your front porch in that old chair. Smiling like a nut and talking to your dog, I swear she knew what you were saying. She misses you. I miss you more... I walk our land often. I walk through the barn and still evidence of you lingers. Smells of dirt and hay and old horse leathers sting my eyes. You are everywhere in the moldy fallen leaves, in the dusty footpaths, in the mist laying softly on your valley. I sit on that old wooden bench you made so you could sit and be near your beloved horses. God how they adored you, we all did. Sometimes I wonder why it had to be you? You were immortal to me, how could you get sick? How could you go and leave me? You were all I had. You know, I am getting older and it's so funny that I am starting to be so much like you now. Isn't that something? I always thought you were so tough on me, so unmoving sometimes, like a red rock. How could I have known that you would be the only solid ground my life would ever know? Now years later, I face off my kids with the same poker face you taught me. The one that screams .. I love you.. underneath. I do all the things you have to do in the name of love wearing that same face. You were so calm , so strong. Your willingness to love me through all my anger, my pain gave me hope. You taught me the surety and quiet joy in walking a right road. I was someone in your eyes. You saw me as a survivor. You picked me up out of the dirt time and time again. I only saw you lose it once.. In a hospital room on the third floor with the smells of sickness and disinfectant all over us. I just pulled up your blanket tight and held you and put on my best poker face. I gave you back to God wearing that face . I want to meet a man just like you, I hope he will be just as stubborn and full of life and love. I want to raise my kids in a way that honors you. I want you to be proud of me. Maybe you already are... That makes me smile and maybe today, I will just sit here on the porch and talk to the dog awhile.