Give a Dog a Bad Name

GIVE A DOG A BAD NAME I shouldn't have called my dog 'Todger' Though it seemed pretty cool at the time I didn't think it would hurt his feelings And be honest, it isn't a crime. We were really good pals to be truthful And 'Todger' became my best friend We would walk in the park in the evening On the beach almost every weekend We'd play 'fetch' with a ball or a frisbee In summer when evenings were light And he'd lay on the couch watching telly And on the foot of my bed every night And the landlord down at my local Thought 'Todger' was such a delight He turned a blind eye to his presence When I played darts on Wednesday night I'd sometimes go to the pub in the daytime To chat with a lonely old dear And she'd sit there and tickle my best pal Then slip him a saucer of beer Then we'd mosey back home together And search in the fridge for our tea Sometimes I'd give him some dog food And sometimes the same food as me Then just when life seemed so perfect It couldn't be better I thought Fate's fickle finger found me And singled me out for some sport For one dull afternoon we'd been drinking And had a few more than was wise I tried walking straight, but I couldn't It was something to do with my eyes And too many saucers of lager Had affected my best canine friend He was chasing his tail in a circle And driving himself round the bend So we headed for home in a stupor We weren't making very good speed And as we were passing the primary school He somehow escaped from his lead And shot through the school gates like lightning Then made for a half-open door With a mighty great leap he was through it And went skidding along on the floor I was stumbling along well behind him When I reached the door he was gone Then I heard shouts and screams from a classroom But I didn't know which was the one....... …..That my dopey drunk mutt had invaded So I barged through the door that was first And confronted a sea of young faces As into their classroom I burst Their teacher looked fearsome and threatening So really she left me no choice 'Have any of you kids seen my 'Todger' I screamed at the top of my voice That day wasn't my finest I know that myself all too well This poem that I'm writing for you I'm having to write from my cell As for 'Todger' he's now at my mother's While I'm sitting here in the nick No more silly dog names in the future Next time..........maybe Willy or Dick?