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GIVE A DOG A BAD NAME

I shouldn't have called my dog 'Todger'
Though it seemed pretty cool at the time
I didn't think it would hurt his feelings
And be honest, it isn't a crime.

We were really good pals to be truthful
And 'Todger' became my best friend
We would walk in the park in the evening
On the beach almost every weekend

We'd play 'fetch' with a ball or a frisbee
In summer when evenings were light
And he'd lay on the couch watching telly
And on the foot of my bed every night

And the landlord down at my local
Thought 'Todger' was such a delight
He turned a blind eye to his presence
When I played darts on Wednesday night

I'd sometimes go to the pub in the daytime
To chat with a lonely old dear
And she'd sit there and tickle my best pal
Then slip him a saucer of beer

Then we'd mosey back home together
And search in the fridge for our tea
Sometimes I'd give him some dog food
And sometimes the same food as me

Then just when life seemed so perfect
It couldn't be better I thought
Fate's fickle finger found me
And singled me out for some sport

For one dull afternoon we'd been drinking
And had a few more than was wise
I tried walking straight, but I couldn't
It was something to do with my eyes

And too many saucers of lager
Had affected my best canine friend
He was chasing his tail in a circle
And driving himself round the bend

So we headed for home in a stupor
We weren't making very good speed
And as we were passing the primary school
He somehow escaped from his lead

And shot through the school gates like lightning
Then made for a half-open door
With a mighty great leap he was through it
And went skidding along on the floor

I was stumbling along well behind him
When I reached the door he was gone
Then I heard shouts and screams from a classroom
But I didn't know which was the one.......

…..That my dopey drunk mutt had invaded
So I barged through the door that was first
And confronted a sea of young faces
As into their classroom I burst

Their teacher looked fearsome and threatening
So really she left me no choice
'Have any of you kids seen my 'Todger'
I screamed at the top of my voice

That day wasn't my finest
I know that myself all too well
This poem that I'm writing for you
I'm having to write from my cell

As for 'Todger' he's now at my mother's
While I'm sitting here in the nick
No more silly dog names in the future
Next time..........maybe Willy or Dick?
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