Sanja Cokolic Poet Free verse

Gaslighting

My name is dreaming
as a verb
but I have spent my whole life as an adverb

like a side dish
that prepares you for the main one

and I don’t know 
which paths led me here
or it’s because of all those paths that I missed
my spatial orientation is fuc*ed
mind has it’s own will
it aligns according to the needs and desires of other 

just like a side dish

sometimes I'm too much
so they postpone me aside

or I’m used for digestion layering 
paving the way for the chef's recommendation

in other scenario they just skip me
as I "value" less then the preferred main course

value

such a discriminating word 
forcing gradation division between two poles
creating binary emulsion where we all suffocate eventually

I can’t breathe

accumulated stress from constant apprehension
whether I’ll be delayed, ignored, or consumed
constructed thick cobweb layer above my larynx
which caught me in the adverb matrix where you don’t have time 
to rebel against side dish label as you’re occupied by grasping air

I can’t breathe
my bio is laid on the last page of the menu

I’m tired 
I’m so tired of being accompaniment for someone else’s happiness


I just can’t breathe


my heart is trauma bonded

mind is living in side dish delusion

and lungs have misplaced their confidence beneath that cobweb

I want to fire the match
and start my own private big bang

I need to

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