Frozen Soul Within Her Heart-
She's Terrified to Feel
Her shadowed past still haunts her-
each night as every light-
fades back into the darkness,
as ghostly beings rise.
She gave her heart to someone,
and promised ne'er to change,
the feelings that belonged to him,
and ne'er her heart to age.
Yet in her own desires,
and every wond'ring dream-
the aspirations that she felt,
would only cause him pain.
He swore he'd never leave her,
and that he'd love her true-
that every day he'd wait for her,
and no one else would do.
Within a year that promise he'd broke,
as he- lost in his passion-
danced and wooed another girl,
and soon was holy wedded.
As any foolish girl would do-
she continued to hold on to-
the memories and the broken dreams,
and the promise of “I do.”
Looking back she now can see,
that neither of them were,
perfect for the other-
but the feelings still remain.
And truly in all thankfulness,
she escaped a nightmare vow-
But still it often feels,
as if his own opinion,
left her feeling as if-
no one really wants her.
And in reacting to the pain-
the broken hearts and dreams,
the bitter end of being wanted-
and loved for who she is,
she seems to be the girl that leaves,
that can't remain in place-
because if chance should open her heart-
she's terrified of what that might mean.
If she remains in a single place,
and watches his children be born,
or slowly recognize the fact,
that another is creating a heart-storm,
she's terrified that she'll learn to feel-
and have to once again,
give way to emotions bigger-
that she won't be able to reign in.
she's scared that if she'd stayed
she'd forget to learn to fly-
that she may lose the desire-
to escape the poisoned night.
That if she'd stay the constant sight-
of friends so close to her,
will eventually get lost among the thoughts,
of wanting something more to be.
Already she's been used and tossed,
a toy thrown in the wind,
a passing thought of shape and form,
to ne'er be thought of again.
Yet, even beyond that there are a few-
who seem to follow her every move,
who seem to wish that she was theirs',
and that “their” story would be the Truth.
she's scared that if she'll stay,
these emotions will actually get in her way-
and those people who she calls-
her friends and respects,
will become so much more
than any of that.
As crazy or weird-
as any of that may be,
she's scared that she'll mess up-
the friends she has around her.
That she will become this stalking girl,
the ex's worst nightmare in real life unfurled.
Time is said to heal the wounds,
how much time- no one really knows.
Her darkest deepest secrets,
her hidden- longing fears-
are silent as the grave,
yet always whispering in her ear.
She doesn't want to be a toy,
a object for the rest of her life,
an image that guys can idolize,
at a “never commit to” pace.
She's scared that she'll end up,
lonely and lost and old,
the old spinster, old maid, old friend,
that watches her siblings kids.
As friend after friend,
or acquaintances too,
readily pair up and leave,
She's left to watch their progress,
and wonder when it will be 'me'.
She's so deeply deeply lonely,
the pain inside her chest,
is palpable and tangible,
although she keeps it hid.
And all of these emotions,
are locked up inside of her,
no one knows that she's so lost,
or confused as some don't believe her to be.
She's terribly lost, confused, and small,
and is it so wrong to want it all?
To be loved and touched and thought about,
above all others and cared for throughout?
Maybe someday, when she's 74-
sitting in a rocker outside of her door,
her 'lonely' path won't seem as bad,
as it does this night- as she sits on her bed,
and wonders and waits and wishes away,
but all of this pain- seems is her permanent mate.
And so she's left to simply breathe-
and fight and claw each day-
to find the strength to continue-
as she desperately cries and prays.
And beneath all of the surface,
below the sunny sky-
frozen soul within her heart,
she's terrified to feel.
~Meredith A. Manley
Copyright © Meredith Manley | Year Posted 2013