I accepted it was a forlorn hope; however, I still had a little hope
that I kept wishing my mother would give me the answers why
she treated me differently, why she criticized, judged, said so
many negative things about me to other people, who all told me.
I remember decades ago, I asked why she gave me to her sister,
which she answered and what were the things she did not like
in me or what I did or did not do to her instead of telling other
people that she responded it was my father and then silence.
I told her, Papa just followed the things she did and she never
uttered a word that the complete silence was deafening,
piercing that numbed me, made me shiver for deep down
I knew she would not answer and I would not know at all.
She wanted to die at home that the night she was discharged
from the hospital, I went to see her and had a chance to be alone
with her for twenty five minutes for I did not want to be in the
house full of people who had or still had the Corona virus.
I stood beside her bed, leaned and caressed her, lovingly stroking
her hair, touching her face, shoulders, arms and holding her hand
that I had to let go to seat across her and she reached her hand
to hold it longer, while I stood beside her until I had to leave.
I told her “I love you” and she answered “I love you too”.
That short sweet moment was a week before she passed on.
I visited her three more times, each time with so much fear for
my other siblings, who also contracted the virus, were there too.
The last time I saw her, we were all in her small room, shoulder
to shoulder, each of us taking turns to have a moment with her.
It was the moment I could not comprehend, a sad, somber one.
When it was my turn, I told her “I love you” that she did not
respond to and all I got was a stare from her that I gave her
a look asking her why she was doing this and I walked away.
Was it because my siblings were there and she wanted to show
to everybody her indifference to me that they already knew?
Why? a question that would never be answered for two days
later she passed on and my hope of knowing was crushed.
I arranged and took care of her pre-paid memorial service making
sure everything would go well and according to her wishes.
That was almost three months ago, when she passed and sadly
I have not shed a tear for her; but a tear fell when one morning
I awoke and thought how my hope for her answers went to
pieces, totally forlore and now, I hold a forlorn hope in my heart.
4/16/21 This or That, Vol 2 Poetry
Title Chosen: Forlorn Hope
Checked: PS Grammar checker
Copyright © Marilene Evans | Year Posted 2021
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