Fade

I breathe hurt What if all those rumors were true? The rumors that shipping two young people together only made it true? What if those rumors were so true that I tried so hard to make things work when I realized I was rushing? No, it didn’t go that far, My one true friend isn’t with me, not in the same school, and far away from contact. Everyone else just feels like a faux. Like robbers taking a piece of my life that has dwindled to nothing. I’m exhausted. I’ve been torn apart, spread so thin people can see right through my smile that hides the depression I hold deep within me. I’m spread so thin I’ve forgotten how to hide my emotions, and so I constantly contradict myself. I want to run from my problems. I know it isn’t the answer, but would it hurt to just put my problems on the back burner until I have to deal with them? The more I run, the more I fear the future, and the less I run, my emotions take the best of me. Which option seems to be better? That I don’t know. One that I probably will never know. “Healing is a process,” People say. Have they faced my mental breakdowns? Have they faced the hurt I went through and the embarrassment I’ve faced in my family? Have they faced my mixed emotions? The times where I’ve thought this is too much to handle but I can’t give up because I don’t have the guts to? Have they faced the fact that half of the time these mental breakdowns happen to me because I feel lonely, scared, and anxious? All at once? However, In one swift motion, everything I love gets ripped away from me. So much so that it makes me weak, So, my final question. What if I never existed? What if I meant nothing to anyone so it wouldn’t hurt this much like it does right now? Because this is truly what pain feels like. I’ve lost myself, I don’t know who I am, or why I’m here. I’ve disappointed too many people in this lifetime and failures shouldn’t define you, should they define you and you have dug yourself into a deep hole. Maybe I shouldn’t exist, so that the ones who mean a lot to me in my life don’t have to suffer from my poor decisions. If There Was A Way To Fade