Excruciatingly Painful

I'm in a dark place; there's no light of hope, happiness is but a fleeting moment in time. I'm in pain, unbearable, physical, emotional pain, there is no cure, no refuge, and no explanation, only daunting, depressive darkness. I wear a practiced smile to camouflage my inadequacy, in wrestling with my invisible demons. Seeing others smile and be happy is paramount to torture, for I've never been pain-free it's always been a part of my life, and thoughts of suicide seduce my mind. I've tried; God knows how hard I've tried, but I can't deal with this constant debilitating pain; I just can't! Life lost its appeal, levying a heavy toll on my soul death offers painless oblivion. Tears dribble down my face when I hear, "it can't be that bad." It doesn't take courage to kill myself, it takes courage not to. In a flash, it could all be over, no more pain, no more tears, no more me. But I'm not a quitter! And yet, no matter how strong I try to be, this silent, invisible disease persists; it isn't in my head. Yes! I've tried and still try everything !!! I struggle daily with pain, mobility problems, and fatigue, the fact is autoimmune diseases, though rare, are both real and excruciatingly painful. (Free Verse) 2/2/2021 Break My Heart, Why Don't Cha Poetry Contest Sponsored by: Edward Ibeh