Sarah Bryant | + Follow Poet |
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Everyone Poops

I am playing with my dollies
And my princess pram all pink
I'm nearly 5
A big girl now
No more nappies
Or plastic pants
I think

I outgrew the potty
When I was only three
My mum says it's because I am brave
Now I go to the toilet all by myself
But today my bum didn't behave

My tummy was hurting
Making squidgy noises too
Blowing bubbles inside
I needed the loo
But it was too far away
I felt it coming
I knew I was going to poo

I couldn't stop it
It was runny and wet 
Dribbling down my legs
Err smelly poo
I stood on the floor
I shouted for mummy
But she’d already smelt it 
She knew

Mummy came in
Said “Oh deary me”
“Did we have an accident?” She asks 
I look down
“Only me” I reply
My legs were horribly brown

I started to cry
Mummy hugs me and says
“Everyone poops you know
Even the Queen
Let’s get you in the bath
Fresh new pyjamas
You’ll feel as good as new
Sparkling, fresh and poop free”

Fifteen years on
My first date a disaster
Oh yes, all thanks to my bum
I should have known better
A bad idea it transpired
A curry
The night before
With my mum

That morning I woke up
I knew I was in trouble
When I felt my feverish brow
My belly was bubbling
Making squidgy noises as before
I was really in turmoil now

This isn’t good news
I feel awful and sick
My intestines are angry and raw
Rebelling and furious
They are plotting their revenge
For the curry I'd had the night before

But I’m a big girl now
So my mum says
The rumblings I chose to ignore
Brave or stupid
Feeling nervous and scared
I walk nervously out of the door

I shuffle into the restaurant
A penguin walking on ice
My bum cheeks squeezed together
I smile, he looks really nice
Actually if I’m totally honest
It was a bit more like a wince 
But I was too scared to move
Too scared to breathe
It was all I could manage
I was convinced 

I resist the urge to pass wind
My bum and I are at war
Anxious to avoid a lethal escape
I feel the bubbling’s I remembered from before
 
I excuse myself from the table
Plead silently for my bum to behave
Walking penguin style
Across a crowded restaurant
I can do this
I am brave

I find my sanctuary
In the form of a loo
Sitting down I feel surges of pain 
Squelching noises galore
Sweating buckets I'm sure
My modesty I hope to retain  

With my elbows on my knees
I push just a little 
My bum explodes
I am shocked 
Poop expels from my body
A 100 miles an hour at least 
Making a terrible sound as it plopped

The smell is intense 
I want to cry
Poop has ricocheted off the bowl 
Splattered all over my bum
I've formed a seal around the seat 
This is a nightmare
I have no control

As I stand up the seat sticks to my bum
I unpeeled myself off
It crashes down to the bowl
I clean up
Feel a bit better
But into bed I want to roll

I flush the smell away
And I hope the disgrace
I look in the mirror and gasp
I look like a zombie
A lovely first date
Was that really too much to ask?

Leaving the ladies
I return to my date
He is still there 
What do I tell him?
My secret was mine to keep
Is honesty the best policy here?
What lie can I use?
But I take a deep breath and I speak

“I'm fine, thanks for waiting
I had a dodgy curry last night”
He laughs and I felt silly 
Who talks about poop on a first date?
He smiles 
He says “Hey don’t be embarrassed
Everyone poops, I relate!”

Shall we go somewhere else instead? He asks
 “Like a public toilet?" I joke
He laughs as he takes my hand
He is cute
I really like him
He is gorgeous 
He seems to understand

He walked me home 
Hmm no
It was actually more of a crawl
But a kiss on the doorstep
And another date next week
Maybe this wasn't a disaster after all

Seventy years on
I am living in a home
I married my first date
We had a family of our own
Wed sixty glorious years
He passed away last year
Now I'm back in nappies again
Oh what a cheer

Yesterday was my birthday
I am ninety years old and a day
I had a naughty curry last night
And I think I'm in trouble today
My tired old organs
Don’t work like they did before
My skin is all crinkled
My intestines are like straws

The nurse comes in to change me
Nappy filled with poop galore
She smiles
Says “Don’t worry my love
Everyone poops"
She's seen it all I'm sure

I smile as I remember
Those very same words spoken
To me when I was four
By my dear old mum
In the bathroom
In our house
So many years before

Copyright © Sarah Bryant | Year Posted 2015

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Skat A Date: 9/24/2015 11:59:00 AM Sarah, Congrats on your win. Another interesting contest. LOVE SKAT Login to Reply Sarah Bryant Date: 9/25/2015 2:15:00 AM Ah thanks Skat A, It certainly was an interesting subject! I like entering the contests, i have 6 more entered but I am not confident any are good enough but you never know! You were the 2nd person to comment on my first poem a few weeks ago, and it was so weird seeing your name because our cat was called Scratch but we called her Skat, or skatbag lol Thank you for your comments and support, it is so encouraging as I'm sure you remember when you were a newbie! Sarah x

Viv Wigley Date: 9/22/2015 8:05:00 AM Great write, Sarah, with a touching ending. Congrats and keep on writing! Viv x Login to Reply Sarah Bryant Date: 9/25/2015 2:09:00 AM Thanks Viv, I tend to think outside the box, but I was worried that going from child to pensioner it might be too long and boring to read so I cut loads out! Thank you again and congrats on your 3rd placing! Sarah x

Dr. Upma A. Sharma Date: 9/22/2015 12:51:00 AM Congrats on ur brilliant winning write Sarah! Login to Reply Sarah Bryant Date: 9/25/2015 2:07:00 AM Thank you Dr Sharma :) It was an interesting subject to write about and fun to write too! I had considered writing about the journey of food from eating, right through the digestive system and back out but I thought that may be boring to people who don't like biology! I am guessing as a doctor, you might of liked that one!Thank you again and big congratulations on your 4th place!

Anu Nayak Date: 8/19/2015 10:19:00 AM This poem is too good....it made me laugh aloud in the beginning but at the end a really touchy story.....its too well penned! A complete package on pooooooop......loved the write! Love,..Anu:-) Login to Reply Sarah Bryant Date: 8/19/2015 10:34:00 AM Ah thank you so much Anulaxmi, I am so glad you enjoyed it :) I was worried it wouldn't be good enough. Thank you for taking the time to comment too, it is much appreciated and really encourages me to continue. Thank you again :)