Eating Again

having an eating disorder means wanting everyone to know and no one to ask. it means accidentally leaving your lunch at home and proudly telling friends no thanks when they offer to share . it means crossing your arms over your stomach and sucking in all day at school, it means pacing back and forth from the fridge to the cabinets thinking what is safe to eat and what isn't.  the voice tells you you are worthless that this is you, this monster who cannot stop eating  you eat anything you can find and quickly run out of optionsit means sitting on the floor crying while still holding a package of graham crackers, shoveling them into your mouth in handfuls  they are spilling out of your mouth and stabbing the insides of your cheeks, it is hard to chew it might even mean spitting some into the trash chew and spit that’s an idea chew and spit chew and spit the voice wants you to eat again it means being full or feeling empty  it means looking in the mirror at the end of the night and crying it means pinching and sucking and punching and pulling and cutting it means crying into your pillow  it means feeling guilt and shame it means crying at the gym because someone SPOKE to you someone noticed you weren’t doing everything perfect it means losing it completely and telling a stranger you just want to be perfect and you don’t know where to start anymore it means looking in the mirror and picking yourself apart it means you are weak again  it means “recovery is not a straight line” it means you’re afraid of getting stuck in a setback it means time is running out.