Drowning
If I fall asleep
What if I don't wake up
What if I scream and no one can hear me
And no matter how hard I try, I still drown
The thoughts of this ever happening to me was frightening
But if I'm not the only one with depression
Why am I the only one dreaming of this
When I finally close my eyes, I feel like I'm being suffocated, my breath slowly fading away and my body still. No movement, not a single gesture.
The sound of rain pattering on the window pane
The crashing of trees hitting the ground
The street lights flickering from the heavy wind
And then there was me
Lying on my bed
With too much on my mind
Holding on to nothing more than my fear
I was forceful yet frail
I was still alive yet completely dead inside
I heard a loud crash coming from the floor below me
I sprung up from my bed and hurried down the steps
Everything entirely covered in water
Everything I owned was drowning
It would take me a long time to save the things that were most memorable to me
I had to do what I thought was smart
Though, I wasn’t thinking right nor smart
Save other things, Not myself…..YET!
Fix other things before I even worry about myself
One foot in, six feet deep, reaching for my stuff
I slowly drift to the bottom
Wrong Choice, once again!
I didn't know how to swim, I never learned
Never learned how to take care of my own needs
So I laid there flat and powerless
With my eyes wide open and a steady heartbeat
My body oh so cold with no feeling
My mind oh so empty with no clear thoughts
I felt paralyzed and useless
It was crazy how I was unable to save myself
But did I really have to
I mean, afterall, Wasn’t I just dreaming?
But if I wanted to stop my suffering in real life, then I needed to at least try
It took me awhile to regain my consciousness
My thoughts become somewhat clear again
I knew I had something to live for
I definitely could get out of this misery
I began to fight and fight and fight and fight
I felt a painful shock run through the inside of my body
It felt real, It was real
If I screamed nobody would hear me and just like that
Nobody did hear me
And no matter how much I tried
Nobody came to my rescue
This wasn't a movie
This wasn't a happily ever after
This was real life...Actual feelings, actual thoughts, Actually, me fading away
There was no more use for me to fight any longer...I tried
I wasn't going anywhere
I was just losing oxygen
I was wasting my breath
My precious breath
So I let my body fall once again and this time I didn't scream, I didn't fight and I didn't try
I could feel my eyes shutting, my heart stopping and all the thoughts that had been buried deep in my head were now erased
And all at once, everything shutdown
It was finally all over
“Here lies a young beautiful girl who died of depression, in her sleep as she suffered through many trials and tribulations throughout her life. She drowned in her sorrows, her pain and her agony. She drowned in a dream.” “Struggling one foot in six foot deep in the water you are already one foot in six foot deep underground.”
Copyright © Sarah Chachoute | Year Posted 2020
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