Dredging

Dredging (9/24/19) I’ve considered putting my hair Into a ponytail when I’m sleeping Because my hair not soft against my Cheek and gets in my eyes and is Hot. I’ve also considered getting Another better-paying job. Both Have ended with the same result. I’ve awareness of my surroundings, But I’m in open space. Maybe it’s A cruel experiment: after several Days I’ll be reunited with reality and They’ll see if I truly do still retain General awareness. It’s all white As of right now. Will I understand Color if it returns? It all started in November of 2017. I didn’t have fourteen dollars to get A haircut. Then I met a girl who Liked my hair longer, so I let it grow. Now my curls descend beyond my Shoulders and I like it. I’ve broken Up with this girl since; I guess, I do Admit, not cutting it is partly laziness. I wonder who the control was in this Experiment. I wonder if my memory Has been wiped and restructured to Their liking. I wonder if I am absolutely Nothing and my brain is conjuring up Fake scenarios for me to call my own, To give me a sense of life. I wonder Where the scientists are. I wonder if There are even any scientists at all, or If I have fallen into a strange hole that Tricks me into thinking things. I had a bad habit back then—I say “Back then” as if I have gained an Exorbitant amount of knowledge, but I can at least say the habit is breaking— Where I struggled to talk to those Significant to me about important Problems, and instead kept to myself. So while, yes, I may have cheated, in A way, I did what I would have done If I had said I no longer wanted to be With her. I just didn’t have to courage To tell. That’s a sorry excuse. I can’t exactly feel my hair anymore, And I don’t know if that makes sense Or not. It’s simply a part of me, I Think. I’m floating. I don’t wear shirts, I just wear the shirt. I don’t wear shoes, I just wear the pair of shoes. I don’t Comb my hair, I just comb the hair. And I couldn’t believe it, but it all Happened again. I looked at someone Else and I did it again, I couldn’t bring Myself to look at myself anymore. Because I’d done it again, and then I fell in here, the place where I have Awareness, but nothing I can make Myself aware of is here. My eyes are Twitching, trying to focus—and this Time I can promise I’m trying to focus— And I wonder who is watching me.