Despair

For once I want the sun, but I'm denied it, Don't need to keep the rain out; I provide it, I know that people think I'm too compliant, The real trouble is, I'm too reliant, Simply can't stand this isolation, No-one else is struggling in this situation, They're all bowled over by their first freedom, No longer have the time to see that I need them, Even when I'm home, the tears keep streaming, All through the day and again when I'm dreaming, I cannot eat, yet I'm getting bigger, Food is my weapon and life is the trigger, But always, it's only my tears that I'm tasting, Six months and a grand's worth of therapy I'm wasting, Supposedly my chance to turn my life 'round, I shun it and grind my face into the ground, So sick of all these plastic smiles and pretences, Still wishing that car crash had had different consequences, Still kicking myself for my cowardice and doubt, Mere scratches, not deep enough to get me out, I've been ready for years now to tell you goodbye, So how many times do I have to die? I'll leave it 'til Christmas, see how I've contended, Although it feels my life has already ended.