depressed

some days being loved just hurts. It's the guilt and the pressure that it puts on your head. You feel guilty that you can't appreciate it because you still care about other people but you just don't care about yourself. Being alone is painful but being around people who love you somehow feels worse. You hate yourself for being useless to even respond properly to the love. you don't want to disappoint but you already know that your company will drain them. It's hard for them to see you like this but pretending that you are ok is too difficult so you find companionship with those who only care about escaping, and you escape with them even though you have nothing in common, just the medicine you take. Everything else is made up just to pass the time. The day that you wished was ending begins ending as soon as you start escaping only to wake up in a new trap. My first drink is just a movement towards the exit, but it's like exiting a building to find yourself on the street, and then what. it's familiar but you can't relax there. It's all moving and I run, I run with the bottle until I can't stay awake. I presume that it's blissful but due to the nature of my journey I cannot remember the bliss. I just wake up two hours later on my sofa and then move myself to the bed where i dream of losing things and being in trouble, getting fired from made up jobs and not being allowed in to my home. I have these dreams often and i'm not sure that they really bother me so much. Blame. I fear it and i live in constant suspension because of the fear of it. Blame.