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Death or Triumph First Draft

Her body was that of a wizened crone, her enfeebled mind was that of a child. Playfully, she skipped and jumped rope, and shone, but only in her confused dreams of wild. Her drear some days softened by her tone, she mumbled of lost love, and her eyes smiled. Time and age had drained her of consciousness, stealing the current surroundings from her and replacing them with the obtuseness known only by those who soon become her. She sits and thinks with laboriousness until she succumbs and the drugs numb her.

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Lairyck Beliveau

Date: 8/22/2024 10:43:00 PM

No matter what we believe is lost to time can be replaced by passion in the now and at any age. It's a very good poem. With tragic implications. It's cryptic. The passage of life and time is a state of quickening. One day skipping rope, the next in a palliative care unit or perhaps self medicating. I think the conclusion is the same. A grave dissatisfaction. Please never forget to laugh or smile. They'll get you through anything and everything.

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 8/23/2024 7:23:00 AM

Hello Lairyck. Pleasure to meet you. Miles and miles of smiles here! I love to laugh but I recognize the plight of many elder persons. Dementia is a tricky thief. So pleased you dropped by! laf :)

Charlotte Puddifoot

Date: 2/11/2024 8:22:00 AM

there's a lot of potential here in this first draft, and i'd love to see you work further on it - congrats on your win in this very interesting contest! :)

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/11/2024 9:23:00 AM

Thank you Charlotte. Your comments encourage me to continue its progress. I appreciate the congrats! :)

Suzette Richards

Date: 2/11/2024 2:58:00 AM

Congratulations on your win in my First Draft contest with this Rhyme, Linda. The mismatched rhyme ‘crone/tone’ and ‘shone’ (the vowels pronounced differently in this eye rhyme), the identical rhyme, ‘her’, in the second stanza with the ‘-ness’ ‘rhymes (it only works when the preceding stressed syllables rhyme, i.e double/feminine rhyme), and not forgetting the use of the archaic expression ‘drear some’, assured your place in this contest, where the poets were called upon to share their poems warts and all. This poignant poem is dear to my heart. ~Suzette

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/11/2024 9:22:00 AM

Thank you for this lovely placement and comment Suzette! I am thrilled! I doubly appreciate the critique...I can only get better as I continue to work on this one. :)

Paul Bell

Date: 2/9/2024 6:34:00 AM

It's like a total journey of despair, and when the pills are taken, the mind loses all time and dignity. Look forward to part 2.

Paul Bell
Date: 2/10/2024 3:07:00 AM

I suppose your final draft is the inevitable demise. Sadly this can take time.

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/9/2024 1:04:00 PM

Hello Paul. Yes, it seems so. I'm having some difficulty in finishing it. I appreciate your visit and comments! :)

Speaks Volumes

Date: 2/8/2024 11:09:00 PM

Gosh Linda (Laf) I didn't know that you knew me that well !! Spot on with this wonderful first draft. You must finish it. (did you know in the days of early computers if you had profanity block on, you could not write finish it because your PC would take it as a swear word? ) Just thought I would mention it :)~~~ Love your "almost " poem. Cheers Svvie (Wen).

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/9/2024 1:02:00 PM

Not sure I follow your profanity comment dear Wen. I must be dense today LOL. Many thanks for your visit! Good to see you! hugs :)

Christopher Grieves

Date: 2/7/2024 6:06:00 AM

Oh this is very close to a recent situation for me and describes so well the glimmers of memory shining through the wizened cracks of a failing mind and body. A prayer is that this is the beginning of a greater journey, I guess that is our hope. A poignant write and if you do embellish I would love to read that also, Linda :)

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/8/2024 7:58:00 AM

Many thanks Christopher. I understand and hope you are correct in the beginning of a greater journey, or continuation of this one albeit on a different level. I will certainly let you know should I embellish. :)

Mystic Rose Rose

Date: 2/6/2024 6:33:00 PM

I call those step ins ...

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/8/2024 7:59:00 AM

Yes, I've heard them referenced as such. Thanks dear Vie. :)

Jerry Brotherton

Date: 2/5/2024 9:00:00 PM

A powerfully written poem my friend. Memory loss is a huge fear, and my heart goes out to anyone who has to experience it.

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/6/2024 6:37:00 AM

Many thanks Jerry. :)

Victor Buhagiar

Date: 2/5/2024 8:54:00 AM

Loss of memory power. I feel I'm heading that way. A deep poem.

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/5/2024 5:01:00 PM

Yes, they say it leaves us as we mature...I forget a few little things from time to time, but then, that's always been an issue. LOL No major issues. hugs dear Victor! :)

Mystic Rose Rose

Date: 2/5/2024 3:50:00 AM

You have a treasure of a poem here, keep going dear lady, I love it so far, your on something good and deep :)

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/5/2024 4:59:00 PM

Thank you my dear, sweet Vie. Your encouraging words are so comforting to me. I will continue to work on it. :)

Bill Baker

Date: 2/4/2024 9:53:00 PM

Ward C, you average Psychiatric Hospital, I imagine. Well played, wise poetess of the South. The thoughts from your mind, the words written out, what will we observe in the next bout. Eerie, but I like it. Good luck ... my friend. Bill

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/5/2024 4:56:00 PM

Hey Bill. And there' s another option. Wow. I'm glad to have so many different takes on this theme. I feel mush better equipped to finish it. Thanks my friend. Have a good week. :)

Tom Cunningham

Date: 2/4/2024 10:46:00 AM

Quite a dark verse Linda, sounds like someone who has lost her way and is on drugs or drugs are controlling her. Sad that so many succumb to a need for drugs always looking for the next fix. Hope your weekend is going well. Tom

Linda Alice Fowler
Date: 2/4/2024 11:23:00 AM

Hi Tom. Yes, dark and sad. Hard to insert more verses. It could be drug addiction, Alzheimer's disease, hospice care. Maybe that's why it is so difficult to finish. My weekend is good - let's have. a great coming week, shall we? smiles and hugs :)