Dear God Help Me Forgive You

Dear God, please forgive me, for being reluctant to fall on these sinners knees, while following your own words, I've done forsaken me. You said to be submissive, as a good christian wife. I done that through and through, it ruined my life. You see, I get it if you won't hear me, i can't blame you. But why would you lead me, to do things you don't want me to. If I honor your wishes, by honoring this man, Could you give forgiveness, would you understand. Its a strange life to lead. And i am nearly fed up. In the Bible that I read, I still feel really stuck. Because you say somethings, about how whores burn. Questions that does bring, when the page I turn. Be submissive to your husbands, the way we are with Christ. But what if the husband, request a higher price. See... There's my confusion, for I do love you so, Is his love all a delusion, is it a sin to let him go? I don't want to be like this, I don't want to feel such shame, My own soul I really miss, Since I changed my last name. I am scared God, I know I said some foul things to you. I'm not prepared, to survive the things he has me do. I don't want to hurt him, you said I should submit, I don't want to live in sin,... What would you say if I just quit? I keep listening to my consciousness, its going back in forth, I am seeking your forgiveness, as a submissive wife with no worth. I don't mean to sound bitter Lord, I worship none above you, I just don't want to be a quitter, But, I don't know what else to do.