Dad Gave Me No Affectionate Hugs

Dad gave me no affectionate hugs, only demanded obedience with his stern and merciless glance; he saw in me a rebellious son, someone who felt the animosity toward him for being a moron... doesn't a father instill confidence, in his son, or deride him for being shy? Dad was a self-centered being and cared more about his acquaintances than his family, lavish tables he spread and celebrated with them while his children stood back and watched, while mom cooked and served meals to the guests; everything had to be perfect, or he would get mad. He bought the best wines and desserts, and made sure they appreciated his hospitality. I might have loved him and honored him, if he hadn't been that patriarchal father so insensitive and arrogant denying me the freedom to express myself humanly as other kids did; I grew up without guidance or a shake of hand... congratulating me on my smallest achievements, I felt he wasn't a father but that stranger I was afraid to approach and confide in him and be friends. Dad destroyed the adolescence of a humble son growing up loving his mom more than him, and if if I disliked him or even hated him I committed no sin; if a father loves his son, he deserves to be loved back and owed due respect, why did he turn me into a nervous wreck? Wasn't I desperate enough to harm myself, or jump off a cliff?