Conflicted Love

My mind is burning, blazing, turning With doubts and irrational drivels My heart is livid and hardened For it freezes in the potentials of disappointment Of failure, downfall, and impending death In ceasefires of never mind, and never more My soul is stubborn for alien tastes For knowledge and truths with prefaces that rub me sore I question your heart, I question your intelligence— Your resonance Do you harmonize with me, Or do you smother and terrorize me? I question your desires— Are they beyond me, Formidable to my own trivialities Do they blind you with flame burns? Does your presence and pride Drown my dreams? What do you gain? And I question your love most of all Your throbbing throat that spurts and spits heavenly conundrums Waves in clashing waters furrowing my interests and fears And growing fires from pupils long fixated across my own I want to believe you are the one for me, Though there is so much more for me to see And I want this heart to love—and love damn-right free! Oh, but every time I see your face, Gazing upon the beloved features I have come to admire, I am crushed—I collapse inwardly I am utterly defenseless, vulnerable and Crazy for you Every time you smile at me sadly, Softly, and madly…. I sense the sincerity of something so secret And my cold, selfish heart melts into its furtive light My suspicious mind begins to glow with tacky hope! It’s silly—in that moment, I hate myself Because I have fallen again into a pit full of who-knows-what! The questions that have pestered me for so long Become suddenly lost in the pollen of lusty adoration Where the heart is so liquidated The brain cannot compute its dearth of consistency In a matter of pitter-pattered moments Between fluttery heartbeats and many “I love you’s”… I have crawled to unreasonable lengths To sustain this delectable self-deception You look into my eyes I know you feel all this pain All this turmoil sifting through my being You feel all of these desires in me rise The color gives it away on my merciless cheeks And these glistening eyeballs You feel me on the brink of breaking And I cannot emphasize enough how full my heart is! It is so full and my mind is dull! I am so close to giving in—to savoring submission Though countless frustrations from nameless regions Tug relentlessly between us My dreams dissipate into pools of sorrow My need for more regurgitates on what we have built I cannot break through the wreckage of blue When all I want is you And through it all, You want me to be strong To not give up on us With you, I feel stupid and weak… How can true love be so bleak? In its coldest darkness I wish to hide To stay covered in false convictions Because sometimes freedom is only for the miserable While bondage, in pair, is for the loved Have I become a fool again? Perhaps, but for you, I will try to be strong If only peace of some world beyond me could lead this mind And faith from my God above would reassure my heart If this should fail, If we indeed should end, May our wisdom as two separate beings increase! So, soul, vacillating soul of mine, be at ease!