Conflicted Love
My mind is burning, blazing, turning
With doubts and irrational drivels
My heart is livid and hardened
For it freezes in the potentials of disappointment
Of failure, downfall, and impending death
In ceasefires of never mind, and never more
My soul is stubborn for alien tastes
For knowledge and truths with prefaces that rub me sore
I question your heart,
I question your intelligence—
Your resonance
Do you harmonize with me,
Or do you smother and terrorize me?
I question your desires—
Are they beyond me,
Formidable to my own trivialities
Do they blind you with flame burns?
Does your presence and pride
Drown my dreams?
What do you gain?
And I question your love most of all
Your throbbing throat that spurts and spits heavenly conundrums
Waves in clashing waters furrowing my interests and fears
And growing fires from pupils long fixated across my own
I want to believe you are the one for me,
Though there is so much more for me to see
And I want this heart to love—and love damn-right free!
Oh, but every time I see your face,
Gazing upon the beloved features I have come to admire,
I am crushed—I collapse inwardly
I am utterly defenseless, vulnerable and
Crazy for you
Every time you smile at me sadly,
Softly, and madly….
I sense the sincerity of something so secret
And my cold, selfish heart melts into its furtive light
My suspicious mind begins to glow with tacky hope!
It’s silly—in that moment, I hate myself
Because I have fallen again into a pit full of who-knows-what!
The questions that have pestered me for so long
Become suddenly lost in the pollen of lusty adoration
Where the heart is so liquidated
The brain cannot compute its dearth of consistency
In a matter of pitter-pattered moments
Between fluttery heartbeats and many “I love you’s”…
I have crawled to unreasonable lengths
To sustain this delectable self-deception
You look into my eyes
I know you feel all this pain
All this turmoil sifting through my being
You feel all of these desires in me rise
The color gives it away on my merciless cheeks
And these glistening eyeballs
You feel me on the brink of breaking
And I cannot emphasize enough how full my heart is!
It is so full and my mind is dull!
I am so close to giving in—to savoring submission
Though countless frustrations from nameless regions
Tug relentlessly between us
My dreams dissipate into pools of sorrow
My need for more regurgitates on what we have built
I cannot break through the wreckage of blue
When all I want is you
And through it all,
You want me to be strong
To not give up on us
With you, I feel stupid and weak…
How can true love be so bleak?
In its coldest darkness I wish to hide
To stay covered in false convictions
Because sometimes freedom is only for the miserable
While bondage, in pair, is for the loved
Have I become a fool again?
Perhaps, but for you, I will try to be strong
If only peace of some world beyond me could lead this mind
And faith from my God above would reassure my heart
If this should fail,
If we indeed should end,
May our wisdom as two separate beings increase!
So, soul, vacillating soul of mine, be at ease!
Copyright © Laura Breidenthal | Year Posted 2016
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