Computer Error
I’ve always been a cash man, so when me cash was blown,
I might be sitting back all stony broke and pleading for a loan,
at least I know that if a mate, throws up a couple of pound,
that I can pay him back the debt when payday comes around.
But if I am a day too late, then he will give a wink and nod,
and give the loan extension without an interest prod,
I could say to him I’ll write a cheque, but they would draw a blank;
my cheques have tendencies of rubber if challenged by the bank.
Of course when begging alms there are those who give advice,
and there are those who lent me once, but rarely ever twice,
now if they see me coming then, they keep well on their guard,
advising me the time has come to own a credit card.
And then it was explained to me, how this credit system works,
I can buy just what I like, and there are no hidden lurks,
all I have to do one day a month, is pay the bill that has been sent,
but if I don’t then I’ll charged an extra twenty-five per cent.
It’s not like mateship; not at all … I can’t be a day too late.
These bloody banks are ruthless, not like a lending mate,
so here I have this credit card, aware not to abuse it,
and really in a dither ‘cause I’m too afraid to use it.
In March a letter from this credit mob to me was duly sent,
stating that I owed the company not one dollar or a cent,
so I ignored the letter, it’s something should not be done,
because come April in the mail, I received another one.
I still owe no dollars and no cents, so I caste the bill away,
but this bloody mob got nasty, saying I refused to pay,
and they threatened cancellation if I didn’t pay me bill,
so I rang up demanding ‘fix it!’ And they said that they will.
“It’s a computer error” … apologizing for my inconvenience,
“A gremlin’s got into our program, producing little sense,
but don’t you worry it’s been fixed, I’ve done it here on line,
your credit card is functional, everything’s now fine”.
And so it seemed the world’s okay, this glitch is finally eased,
so now my credit card is lawful, and I felt kind of pleased,
now thinking I should use it, although I better stay on guard,
with a trolley full of purchased goods, I passed across the card.
Talk about embarrassment, with the result a damning slur,
the lady gave a low reply “This card’s been cancelled sir”,
I left the goods there with her; once more I’m on the phone,
this time over agitated, as the bloke sure would have known.
“It’s a computer error” … apologizing for my inconvenience,
“A gremlin’s got into our program, producing little sense,
but don’t you worry it’s been fixed, I’ve done it here on line,
your credit card is functional, everything’s now fine”.
Now you might not believe this, but I’m telling you it’s true,
next day in the mail a statement, say’s me bill is overdue.
No dollars and no cents again. What’s this lot on about?
But talking with them yesterday, they will have worked it out.
Once again when June came ‘round, there one day in the mail,
a threatening letter from the mob read out that I did fail
to pay the debt upon me card; I have ten days for recompense,
or action will be taken, to recoup no dollars and no cents.
This seems all bloody senseless, and it’s put me in a bind,
how do I pay nothing? But then a thought came to me mind.
So I wrote out a cheque for them, for no dollars and no cents,
and that computer thanked me. To me it made no flamin’ sense.
But if you think the troubles over, then you better think again,
my bank is ringing me up now, asking if I am insane,
‘Why did I write a cheque out for no dollars and no cents?’
And you know they didn’t listen to a word for my defence.
The bank whinged the cheque I wrote has left a sad and sorry tale.
Their computer went into a frenzy causing its software to fail;
now the bank cannot process a cheque, from ALL customers today,
‘cause I’ve crashed their computer in a quite unusual way.
It’s a computer error aye! Well, this time I’m giving my defence,
it’s not my fault the bloody thing, can’t read no dollars and no cents.
Then the company for the credit card, sent a statement that announced,
this is my final warning … advising me my cheque had bounced.
So once again the threats returned, this credit card has me a debtor,
but for no dollars and no cents, I don’t fear a debt collector,
now all my dealings done with cash, to alleviate the terror,
of someone on the telephone, telling me … it’s a computer error.
Copyright © Lindsay Laurie | Year Posted 2016
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